It's been too long

Saturday, July 16, 2016 @ 1:28 a.m.

The last few months have been very trying. In June I lost one of my second cousins. I have nine second cousins. The one I lost; his photo is on our fridge and when I see it, my heart hurts. He was just 19 years old and when I found out, my cousin and her husband rammed into my heart. I hurt, I hurt for their loss. I thought of my Aunt, her grandson. I thought of my other cousin, her nephew. To my two second cousins, their brother. All of my family on my mom's side came to the service, only a few were missing. But his death has yet to leave me. I don't know if I would classify it as grieving, but it just...I've been there. I've stood at that cliff. That cliff has my name carved into the ground, my foot prints, forever pressed into the dirt. I think of my cousin and my heart hurts.

Since moving out, my parents have been such a huge support to us. I am forever grateful for their love and the support they've given us. Each month they help us with groceries from Costco. They share their toilet paper as they get the huge pack from Costco. There are not enough ways for me to thank them. Before I was ever close to even getting married, I told myself I didn't want my parents to have to help me. Well, I guess that didn't happen. I NEVER expect anything my parents do for us. By all means, they shouldn't have to help us, but their hearts are so big and I know their blessed for all they do, because I'm eternally blessed to have them as my parents.

Since 7th grade, I've lived in a very dark world of depression. There were times where the sun broke through the gray fog, and for those days, I'm thankful. My self-confidence was never higher than an inch off the ground. The events that happened in my life left me with a world of guilt on my shoulders. I took the blame for everything. I saw the outcome of my action and I never felt like I deserved to be alive. Many tried to convince me it wasn't my fault. I tried, I tried to believe them. But when you're 10 years old and the actions of others that were thrown at me, it left a huge impression in my mind and on my heart. I'm a donor. But I always wanted to let them know somehow, to not give my heart. It's so broken and hurt and injured and barely giving me life, no one deserves to have that kind of heart.

Here's another thing, I'm a born again God fearing Christian. I have been my whole life. There have been times when I'm on fire and wanting to spend as much time as I can with God. For those of you who are also Believers, I'm sure you're asking, how could you be a Christian and live in such an awful world. It's a great question. And the only answer I have is, I've not believed I deserved to be loved by God. With the guilt and shame already weighing down on me, I just felt like I didn't deserve His love. There are still times I think that way. But I know God has a plan for my life. I turned 40 in April and it was so hard for me. But the love of my family and friends made it a bit easier. I never planned to live this long. When I first got on OHP, I picked a doctor I wanted to see and one of the first things I told him, "I don't plan on living to see 40." He looked at me and said, "You need to change the way you think." I looked down at my hands in my lap and I thought, "Good luck doc." But here I am...a 40 year old who has nothing to show for her life. I married Terry when I was 38. I wanted to be a mom, but I knew I couldn't bring a baby into the world I hated. I know I would have failed him or her. So, my Abigail is up there in Heaven. Maybe I'll get her when I go to Heaven.

I'm watching a HBO show called Kindergarten. I LOVE this show. I think because that is what I was going to college for in Indiana before I moved back home. When I moved back to Oregon, I quickly got a job in a Pre-K class in a daycare. I had about 10 students and I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!! But I was 28 years old. I was ready to challenge anything that may come my way. My parents loved me just as their child did. And I loved each child I had. Sadly, I lost one of my students from back then. Very sad indeed.

I'm not telling you all this for your pity. Quite the contrary. It was a very hard day on Friday. From 2:00 on. I made a good dinner, cleaned up the kitchen. Tomorrow I'm tackling the horribly dirty bathroom. The floor needs vacuumed. I need to dust. I'm also hoping to go to some garage sales with my mom. She came and picked me up after she got off work and we went to about five sales. I hit the jackpot with getting a new office chair for $3.00. I used it tonight as I worked on my resume and reference page. Along with a few other things I need. I'll fill those out tomorrow, well, later today. It's now 2:13. I can feel my medication starting to take over my mind and body. I'm sitting here watching TV and writing this at the same time.

The word of advice I can give to you...never judge someone because of how they are. You never know what someone is going through. Your kindness could save a life. Your judgement could take a life. Please be careful how you are. I don't want to lose any of you. So please, stay safe and know that I love with my whole heart. I'm just hoping for a great weekend...

Good night, good morning....2:20 a.m.

Jen

Mother's Day

When I was about eight years old, I received my first cabbage patch kid. Long red hair, red checkered outfit and white shoes and socks. I remember looking at her scalp and seeing it was red, thinking how funny that was. At the age of ten, I received my first preemie cabbage patch kid. That year my birthday was on Easter. I remember I named her Connie; after my favorite 3rd grade teacher. I'm not sure of the age that I got my splash and play cabbage patch kid. All together, I had like 8. One was a pony and one was a cat. I still have the pony and all the dolls. But when I got my splash and play kid, everything changed in my make believe world. I could give her real baths because she had a hard body that could get wet. I named her my favorite one of all; Abigail. That is the name I wanted to name my daughter when the time would come.

As I grew older, life got harder to live and as I looked toward the future, I knew having children wasn't going to be my dream come true. At age 12, I started baby sitting. From then until I was 30, I took care of children. Some of them I keep in touch with and I love that I do. Others were too young and wouldn't remember me.

I never feared I would get pregnant. I never used anything to make me not. I just knew that with the depression I lived in for so long and being alone for even longer, I would leave this life never knowing how it feels to hold a brand new baby I gave birth to.

Working with children for so long, I had taken many classes that taught me a lot about the problems you could have giving birth at later ages; particularly over the age of 35. So, I gave myself to 35. I am now 40.

I know some will say, "You have Daisy." Yes, yes I do. And I love her, I do. There's just a big difference between a dog and a human life. Everyone always told me I'd make a great mom. I would have loved to believed them, but neither of us will ever know for sure...

Jen

A great time had by all

Saturday started out nicely as we were able to sleep in a bit. My mom called and woke us up at 10. So we got up and ate some breakfast. Around 1:00, we headed over to my parents house. My brother and his wife are here visiting from Idaho. It's so great seeing them! It feels like forever since I last saw them. We hooked Daisy outside when we got there so she could enjoy the sun. My nephew was there washing my parents' vehicles. He does great work. My niece and the little girl she takes care of came over next. That was a lot of fun! The little one she watches is 1 1/2 years old. SO cute!! My other brother and his girlfriend came over and then my oldest niece and her boyfriend came over. That was the best time I've had in a very long time in a family setting! Amazing when you take away and add, how right that makes things! A lot of laughter and that was helpful! We left at around 9:00.

I think Daisy has learned she has her own home and Grandma and Grandpa's is just a place to visit now. But when my mom comes for lunch during the week, I'll open the door and Daisy gets SOOOO excited!!! She piddles as she jumps in pure excitement! So when we're at their house for a while, we'll look at her and ask her if she's ready to go. Her ears will perk up and she'll run to the door. It's cute!

This morning we left her at home, alone for the first time since she ripped up the carpet. I put up the garbage cans in the bathroom and bedroom up and left the doors open. I prayed for her and we prayed for her at church. We went to Walmart and by my parent's after church. We got home around 2:00. I opened the door gently and walked in slowly. I did a walk through and found the place just as we left it. I gave her a new treat we got her. We are so proud of her! So I unloaded everything and put things away and then found our baseball game on TV. The Giants were playing the last game in their three game series with the NY Mets. WE WON! I took a nap after that was over. I woke when my mom called me at 7:50 PM.

This new medication I'm on, my doctor said it is a weight loss pill as well. I can see why. You don't have a want for anything. I had cereal for dinner. Yep, that's pretty normal.

So yeah, Saturday was one of my favorite days! I got to spend it with my husband and my wonderful family! I know it can't happen all the time, but when it does, I cherish it.


Have a great Monday!

Jen

Living a new life

On March 12, my husband, Terry, and myself, moved into our beautiful two bedroom apartment. We've made it our home and like most who move in, we're still not fully moved in. My craft room still needs to be moved over. We just need the right people on the right nice weekend. It will work out.

This is the first time I've been in my own place with a husband. When I lived in Indiana, I moved into someone else's house and I wasn't the cook. I didn't know I could cook and he didn't give me the chance to try. I kept the house clean, but we lived mostly in the loft. So living here with Terry is TOTALLY different. And SOOOOOO much better! :)

So we've been here since March 12th. I'm back to being a total night owl. The latest I've gone to bed is 3:30 am. I don't know. I blame it on being born at night. haha! But when I wake up, I put my feet on the ground and I try to stay busy until I go to bed. There are times, often, that I take a nap during the day. I tried today, but we were watching the NFL Draft. And all I could think about was the time and the amount it would take to wash the current dishes and start dinner and how long it would take to make it. So I got up and got to work.

So this was our dinner tonight! I made it a few weeks ago, too, but used a different seasoning. Both were great! Terry asked me why I doubt my cooking. I responded with, "I doubt everything I do." But I was glad he enjoyed it. I try and make a good dinner a few nights a week. He really enjoys spaghetti and that's nice and easy to make. I also like to make Mac-n-Cheese with hot dogs. LOVE this meal! The one I'm not good at is sides. Both Terry and I are picky eaters. Everything I do is simple. Terry doesn't complain so I guess it's okay! I feel bad when I don't make a meal every night. But like Wednesdays, we're at my parents' house. Not sure we will be now though since Terry's done bowling in the league. So I need to think of some other things to make that we'll both like. 

I not only cook, I'm also keeping flowers alive outside and if you know me, this is a big deal. Two wonderful friends blessed me with my favorite flowers! But they're both doing well, so I'm happy! I also keep the apartment clean and organized. I had to bring the manager in on Monday to see the damage Daisy did on Friday and I was hoping it was clean enough. I'm sure it was. Because we were suppose to get important visitors on Thursday so I cleaned this place top to bottom. They ended up not coming so...we had a clean home! 

So my role has changed from living at home to just Terry and I and Daisy and I'm totally okay with it. I'm still helping Chris with her speech. She comes here now and it's SO much better. I teach an ASL class at the Senior Center Wednesday mornings from 9-10. Writing class Friday mornings. So I stay busy, but it's good. I rest at night. Now I just need to find the time to read. I have SO many books to read and I have a book to work on too. I need to learn to organize my time. Any of you guys have tips on how to do that? :) 

It is now Friday morning...12:01 am. My meds are kicking in and I have to be up for writing class. Have a great Friday and weekend! :) 

It's the little things

My journey to find Jen is moving right along! The past couple of days have been hard on the self-control. Someone brought chocolates to my mom's work, where I am everyday. My goal is to eat zero tomorrow. I stay in my calorie count, but I don't want to use my calories on crap. Just like I don't want to drink my calories. In the mornings, my dry mouth is so horrible, I drink 6oz of Pepsi and that cuts it. I drink water just about all day, except for my Diet Dr. Pepper at lunch and even then I don't usually drink it all. 

So the last week or so I've been noticing little changes that I can do, but couldn't a few weeks ago! One way is when I'm drying off from a shower, I can reach farther and it's so much easier to dry off. I noticed that I can get up from chairs easier. On Sunday, I was at the nursing home we have a church service at and I sat down in the chair. I sat down, fully, in the chair. I haven't been able to put my whole body in the chair. I sat there in complete awe...I looked at my mom and said, "Mom!! Look! I'm sitting ALL THE WAY in the chair." My back was against the back of the chair...I was SO happy!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

This morning when I got dressed, before I started this weight loss, I would have to sit down to put my left leg in the pants. Today I put the right leg in and the left leg in...while standing. I WAS STANDING AND PUT MY PANTS ON LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To say I was excited is an understatement! 

I don't know if you've ever experienced anything that I'm writing about, and that's okay, but when I'm lying in bed, I FEEL smaller. I don't know how the weight is doing as I'm only weighed when I see my doctor once a month, but I know I KNOW I'm losing inches like mad! The pants I wore today, I've been wearing for a while. But they're getting more loose in the legs and tummy area. 

In a couple weeks, I'm hoping we are moving to our new home! It's only an apartment, but to me, it's our home! I'm very excited to have our own place and our life together. I know Terry is more than ready! 

So yeah, the little things in this journey are so exciting!! When someone hugs me, they can feel a difference and that makes me happy too! 

My battery is getting low so I better post this and share it with you guys! Have a great rest of your week! 

Until next time...

Jen :) 

God is GOOD!!

Today it's a cloudy Monday morning on President's Day. I'm sitting on the couch watching Walker Texas Ranger. As I sit here, I'm wearing my yoga pants (LOVE THEM), a t-shirt and a black sweatshirt. No big deal right? The sweatshirt I'm wearing, could not be worn a year ago.

January 10, 2016, I started the eating plan on my Fitbit. I simply count my calories and with doing that, a lot changed in my life. Some of you won't understand this, and that's okay, but through my Pastor, God told me the weight would start falling off me. I received that RIGHT AWAY and so far, I've lost 4 lbs and a LOT of inches!

Last night I was writing in my journal and the subject of jeans came up. I don't have many. And I remembered Terry had gotten me a black pair. I started looking through stuff and found a couple sweatshirts, shirts and my tank tops!! So this morning, when I woke up, I saw the sweatshirt. I thought, "Oh for giggles let's see how it fits." PRIOR to this, when I first got it, I put my arms in it and I knew then, there was no way it was going to fit. So this morning, I put my arms in it and I was shocked. I put it on and THERE WAS ROOM IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I went into my mom's room and I said, "Mom! Remember this sweatshirt??? It didn't fit when we got it." I pulled the sides out and said, "LOOK!!!!" I was and still am in shock! I'm wearing it and it feels SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good!! I'm not one to wear tight clothing. I'll buy a size up so I'm comfortable. But to know this fits and I can wear it with NO problem....I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The smile has yet to leave my face! :) :) :) :)

I can do things I haven't been able to do in a long time!!!! And it feels SOOOOO good!!!!! I tell ya, I saw some cute clothes last night in Fred Meyer in Tillamook and instead of getting depressed about not being able to wear them, I just said, "I'll be wearing that in no time!" My outlook on life is way better than it EVER has been!!Now I just need to find my black jeans!! 

The other awesome thing I'm going to write about is the miracle of Terry and I getting our apartment! God has given us His favor and proved His love to both of us as this all came to life! In a couple weeks, Terry and I will make our new apartment home! I am so excited to move out and get on our own! It's past time, BUT, it's all in God's timing! 

My mom is doing awesome with her arm now. And she doesn't need me like she did when she first broke it. I'll still take her to her last couple of PT appointments. We're moving to Monmouth! There are many things I'm excited about with living there! The only hard part will be everything we do is in Dallas! But we're away enough to breathe and be on our own! I told my mom she can come visit anytime. So can dad. But we may need to get some furniture first. We lack in that. Although we may have a couch. My mom and Aunt Dode is so excited to come help me unpack and decorate! 

So in the end, God has met our needs and I've learned to wait on Him. Because when I do, He blesses me beyond belief! As many times as I've turned my back to hurt who I am, He has always been there when I turned around and needed to be held. He's so patient with me and I am beyond thankful for that! 

I hope this blog put a smile on your face at some point! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coloring?

I have been coloring for a major part of my life. It has always brought my anxiety down and made the depression a little bit lighter. But I've noticed that I color when I'm in some kind of emotional distress. I don't do it to avoid what I'm feeling, but making each stroke on the paper, in a bright color or a deep blue, helps calm me. But other times, I simply do it because it's something I really enjoy doing. Being a perfectionist, if I go out of the line, then I have a bit of a panic. It passes when I'm able to fix it. 

In 1994, I colored A LOT! That year was by far the worst one of my life.

I save all my coloring books and I'm kind of odd when it comes to my crayons. I like them new! I never use the sharpener on the back of the box. I usually get the 96 count of Crayola crayons! That's another thing, I ONLY use Crayola art supplies, except of course, Sharpies! I got a big box of them for Christmas!  But when my main colors of crayons are in need of sharpening, I buy the 24 count box and replace them. The coloring pencils I have are in a box like crayons. I like those as well. I use them a lot with my card making and coloring. 

When I was a Pre-K teacher, I would have a time for art and I'd always color. Well, the kids always loved to color with me and wanted to color just like me! I had a lot of pictures on my wall that they gave me! Oh how I miss that! 

I have a friend, Crystal, who colors beautifully. I wish I could color like her. I guess I'm just not very good at being artistic with coloring. My niece, Logan, likes to trace in markers and color in with crayons. She does a great job! 

As you know, they now have books out for Adult coloring. I find it odd that all the sudden it's cool to color as an adult, but perhaps frowned upon in the teen years. In all the years I've lived in depression, coloring has always been my way to express my feelings. I, in no way, can draw. I doodle, but very plain at that. My parents got me a very nice Butterfly coloring book for Christmas as well as the Sharpies. I LOVE quotes, so I did a Google search for adult quote coloring pages and I printed quite a few. I've done three today so far. I think I'm done for the day...keyword think. 

So how about you? Do you color? Did you grow up loving it? How do you feel about it coming back for adults? At my mom's work, they're having an Adult Coloring day. I hope a lot show up! 

I guess this was a boring entry! I've been thinking about it all day, so now it's out there and ready for you to read! :) 

Have a great first week of February! 

Jen

A much needed time with friends!

Tomorrow morning, Saturday, I'm going to spend 5ish hours with a few friends! I kinda have my own line of greeting cards. But tomorrow, my cards will be a bit more simple, but hopefully received with a smile. I'm making cards to send to the troops. This is my input to the box that will be sent to them.

I decided to write a few things to put on cards that I have embossing folders for...a key and a clock. I had to step into the mind of a solider, thinking what they'd say to their spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, daughter, son, parents...

I'm surrounded by the military from just one man...my dad. When he came home from Vietnam, he, along with all the other guys, got spit on and booed. Such a disgrace to the heroes who fought for those peoples freedom. I can imagine where the bitterness and anger comes from. And why they suffer with PTSD. I've heard that roughly 22 veterans kill themselves a day; one every 65 seconds. It's so sad to me that what those men fought for, went unnoticed for years by those who chose to hate instead of love.

My dad suffers with PTSD. So do I. Not on the same level, but I suffer with it on a daily basis. There are days I want to be alone. There are days I want to be held and other days I don't want to be held or touched. I have a lot of triggers about my past. People say we shouldn't live in the past. I agree. But what about when we do? The triggers the military live with and the triggers I live with, aren't about present time; it's from the past. My dad can't watch fireworks anymore. I've seen him grow worse in this PTSD because when he was on the fire department, he worked with the guys who set them off at the fairgrounds. The slightest thing can trigger you it's like you're thrown backwards. Blackberries for me...a trigger. Whispering in my ear, a HUGE trigger. Rubbing my back...a HUGE trigger. Sometimes I'm okay with it, but when I'm not, my skin crawls and my stress level goes through the roof. I can understand the PTSD the military deals with every day.

This blog kinda went a different way than I thought it would. It was going to be a short one as well, but I guess I'm doing more thinking than not. On the way home from "work" this afternoon, I had my first thought in about three months about the book I'm writing. A scene for it came to mind and that made me happy. We'll see how it goes!

Well, it's 11:07 PM. I took my meds at 9ish and they're kicking in! I'm all packed for tomorrow! Now to sleep until my alarm goes off!

Have a great weekend! If you see a veteran, thank them for your freedom!

Jen

That word NO!

This morning started out with me being tired as I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. Took my meds a bit late and didn't get much more than 6 hours of sleep. Driving to Monmouth did me in. I had to close my eyes once we got to my mom's work. It's now 10:19 PM and I haven't taken them yet. I guess I should do that....be right back...okay, I'm back. 

So, after I woke up, I headed into the building. Today they had coffee & conversation and they always have donuts. Guess who loves those? Yep...me. I looked up the calorie count for a donut and it wasn't bad. So I had one. It was so good. Around 10:30, the lady I help with her speech came in and in the middle of us working together, I couldn't stop myself from getting another one. Guess who felt awful and good at the same time. Yep...me. But I knew I was sitting okay with calories. But still...really Jen? Really? 

I was done working with my friend at noon and my parents and I went and got a soda. I took my lunch today. I had a yummy chef salad, a sugar free jello, and carrots. For a snack I had a serving size of peanuts (3 Tbsp) and an apple. I was proud of myself for that lunch! I had a meeting at 1:00 and that was very productive. After that was over, I went and sat at the desk and answered the phone when it rang. For Christmas, I got a coloring book and a big container of Sharpies!! YAY!!! So I brought those to work with me and I sat there and colored; very therapeutic. 

So by this time, the donuts were cut in half and thankfully, all but one half was left. Guess who had that last half? Yep...me. The word NO wasn't in my vocab. So I wasted calories today. 

Card class was at 4:30 and mom and I headed home at 5:30. It had started raining and hard. Mom drove home and I think I should have. She agreed. But we made it and dinner was made shortly there after. Pancakes. I had three, with very light butter and strawberry jam. Later in the evening, I went back to coloring and finishing my coloring page. I've been having popcorn every night and tonight was no difference. I had some and then I called it quits. I did get my water in today...64oz! :) 

I'm only a week into this change of eating thing. I don't expect to get it right every single day. And I can tell you, I never went over my calorie budget. So even though I messed up and caved for the donuts, I did okay. I'm not beating myself up over it and I'm admitting to you my faults. So please, don't beat yourself up if you mess up. Tomorrow is always a new day to make better choices. Thank GOODNESS they only have coffee & conversation once a month! HA! 

Maybe by next month I'll have learned that word NO! 

Until next time...
Jen

Military Kids

I wrote this as a possible letter to the editor...please let me know what you think.

 I was recently at a potluck that had guest speakers. One of them asked for anyone who was in or is still in the military, and their wives or husbands, to raise their hands. I sat there and looked around. There were a few. But as I sat there, I thought about something. What about the kids who have suffered by having a military parent? The wives and husbands are thanked. For what? Dealing with the crap they come home with from war? Last I checked, kids have feelings too and they have to deal with the same thing. Often times, the kids are forgotten and life goes on without them being included. I grew up feeling this way on many levels. My dad worked hard to provide for his family; I don’t take that away from him. My dad was in the Marines for a total of six years, but he brought it home and lived it for many years and still does.

My reason for writing this letter is to hopefully open the eyes of those who need to realize their kids are suffering right along with them. Talk with your kids. If you were raised to not talk to your parent for whatever reason, throw that out the window. Kids are getting lost in the shuffle and in the end, you will lose them. And getting them back can be a very tough and long journey. Is it as important as your job? More so. I’m not saying you have to go to every single game or every single recital. I’m just urging you to talk with them, about anything.Spend time with them.Your kids should be a top priority to you. The choice is yours. But, it’s also your choice to throw your kids out of the way and live as if they don’t exist. 

Jennifer Gasper

Choices and Water

Every time your tummy grumbles, what do you think about? What you're hungry for? 

Now that I'm making better choices in food, my stomach thinks it's more hungry than it is. I know why it's talking to me and I continue to tell it it's going to live. Portion sizes have gone down as well as my choices in food. One thing I'm not doing, is stopping it from sweets. I can happily report that the want for them isn't there. 

Today was a very laid back day. A couple days ago I started getting a sore throat and a cough. I wasn't able to stay home and rest at all, so I decided today would work for it. We woke up early and then went back to sleep until 11:30. We got up and ate some brunch. Our neighbor came over and I ended up burning 3 DVDs of her pictures from her trip to Germany. After doing that, she stayed and we went through them while she told us what we were looking at. I was doing laundry at the time so while the DVDs burned, I would move the clothes around. I was just about falling asleep while our friend was telling us about Germany so after she left, I came into the living room and laid down. I covered up and snuggled in and in no time, I was out. 

I got up and did more laundry. I had three loads total. I had plans to do it throughout the week, but I was never able to get to it. It feels good to get it done, now I just have to fold it and put it all away! 

 I'm not one to push anything onto anyone and I stand by that. I simply live the life I need to and if someone wants to join me, by all means, go for it! A friend that works for my mom, started drinking more water. I told her I'd text her over the weekend to see how she's doing. I did that today and she said she wasn't doing very good. I told her what I do and I hope that'll help her! What do I do? Well, last week, I got a 32 oz diet Pepsi. I kept the cup and I use it for water. I know that two of them help me reach my goal of 64 oz a day. I noticed my dad is doing it as well. And ya know, it's okay if you don't reach it. One day you will, one day you won't. You cannot beat yourself up over it. Trust me, I've done that a lot and it doesn't help. I've learned it doesn't help because you'll have a tendency to think, "Well, I messed up on my water, I might as well mess up with my eating." No no no! Start slow. You got this! :) 

Today, my eating has been good. I'm still working on getting the protein. I need to get more of it. I was happy with my dinner. I had a bp&j sandwich. And guess what I learned? I measured out the jam, 1 Tbsp, the peanut butter (serving size is 2 Tbsp), I used ONE!!!! And it was PLENTY of both peanut butter AND jam!!! I was so happy! I had peanuts this morning and I used a measuring spoon and had the serving size. Let me tell ya, it wasn't a lot, but it was a good amount. I don't need to eat half a can. I also had some Simply White Cheddar Cheetos puffs. The serving size is 32. That is a lot of puffs! I was shocked! I also had a sugar free Jell-O cup as well as a no sugar added cup of peaches. It was a nice dinner! 

Even if you're not counting calories and still want to lose a pound or two or twenty or fifty, portion size. Instead of taking the bag of chips with you to the chair to watch TV, put some on a plate or in a bowl. I've heard it said that Diet soda is worse for you than the regular. Well guess what? There's no calories in Diet and there's NO SUGAR! I'm okay with that. But I've also decided to drink less soda. I had a diet Dr. Pepper with my dinner, but I've had  128 oz of water. So I kinda felt it was okay! I'm also ending the day with 930 calories left in my budget. I didn't do a lot of walking today, just busting my butt at laundry. But I'm okay with it because I needed the rest to feel better. 

So all in all, if you mess up one day, don't worry. Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to make better choices! I'm right there with you! We can do it! 

If you have some ideas to make things easier for me or anyone who may read this, please share! 

Have a wonderful Sunday! I'll write again soon! :) 

Remember me?

It's been a day or two since I last wrote! HA! It's been a couple years, three in October. So yeah, life went on and the weight loss journey stopped. A lot has happened since my last entry. I got married, as most of you know who may read this. 

My mom got a Fitbit for Christmas and that kind of got me thinking. She wanted me to get one so we could have a friendly competition. My parents bought me one and when it arrived on January 4th, I quickly put it on to charge and downloaded the App. I set it up and waited for it to be fully charged. It only takes two hours to be done. When I finally put it on my arm, I only took it off when I took a shower and put it on right after I was done and I take it off when I charge it. I've only had to charge it once since I got it.  

So I put it on the 4th and went about my daily life. I was in a very deep depression and my doctor put me on a new med so I was waiting for that to grab hold. I had it on a week and I got a few awesome things at church and that led me to doing a food chart on my Fitbit. I put in my weight, height and goal of what I want to weigh. I knew this was the time I'd finally be healthy. I've had peace in my heart ever since all this happened at my church. Saturday, the 9th, the women from our church had our monthly luncheon. We went to Murphy's in Dallas. I always get a hamburger with tater tots with a Mr. Pibb. I decided I didn't want a hamburger. I ordered a chef salad, but stuck with the Mr. Pibb. That was a very good salad. The next day, everyone from my church went to Murphy's for our annual Christmas lunch. This time, I decided to have the salad again, but I got iced tea to drink. And again, the salad was perfect. So I logged it in my phone and I decided then and there, no matter what I put in my mouth, I'm logging. 

I've kept that up to date ever since Sunday. That evening, my mom and I and a friend went to Waremart and we got the makings for salad, and a few sugar free treats I can have. So that evening, I made my lunch and took it with me on Monday. I also started logging the amount of water I take in each day. So on Tuesday, I made a failure move, but this is the difference between now and way back when. I didn't punish myself. I told myself I messed up and tomorrow was a new day. And it was and I did great the next day. Today however, I'm really low on what I ate. I'm allotted a certain amount of calories a day that it figured from my weight. So today I was allotted 2,861 and I had a total of 1,292. So I have 1,236 left in my daily budget. Am I hungry? Yes I am. But I did well with dinner. I had a chicken Caesar salad at Costco and I bought one for tomorrow's lunch. Normally, I'd get one of their swirl yogurts. I didn't today. 
Yesterday, Wednesday, my friend Sherry took me to lunch to thank me for all the help I've given her and I looked up what I could have at DQ. We headed there and I ordered their $5 lunch and had grilled chicken wraps. They were very good! I didn't eat my fries and I had a small swirl sundae. Now normally, I'd eat a hamburger, fries and have a small cookie dough blizzard. When I got back to my mom's work, I looked up the calories in a small cookie dough blizzard...710 calories. That is just crazy to me. So now I make better choices. And if my will fails, I know I can take a walk, drink more water...do anything to make it matter and know that the next day is new and I get another chance at being healthy. 

I told my counselor today that right now, I'm focusing on my eating and getting that down. I walk a lot more than I used to. I walk in place at times, but I might park a bit farther away. My mom and I took a walk on Tuesday after we got home from work. It was a good thing because that's the day I failed. The working out part will come. But I'm not rushing it and I'm taking it a day at a time. 

This time is more real than any other time. My head is in it and I'm not doing it for anyone but me. I have things I want to do in my life and those things will be easier to do if I'm a lot less in weight. 

This is my year! I hope you'll hang on with me and see where I end up! I'm excited and I feel more prepared this way. I think, a lot, before I buy a food item. I ask myself if I want to waste calories on it and more times than not, no, I don't. I'll use it in other ways. It's still a learning process, but life is a huge classroom. I'm here to learn and I'm here to win! 

Thank you for taking time to read this! I really appreciate it! Let me know if you read this! I'd really appreciate it! Thank you! :) 

Jen 

Don't Give Up!!!

Last Sunday, the 29th, I laid down in the afternoon to take a nap. When I woke up, my back was out. This hasn't happened since April. So I got the heating pad out and put it in my chair. I took Alieve and it didn't touch it. Monday came around and it was just as bad. I made an appointment to see my Dr. I went and she didn't do much. Told me to keep taking the pain meds I've been on for a year (that doesn't do anything for the back pain). I went home defeated. Tuesday rolled around and I had to be at the Jungle Gym by 8:30. I did NOT want to go and let my boss/friend know I wouldn't be 100% due to my back issues. I was in SO much pain Tuesday morning and I begged for 1:00 to come. Finally it did and I went home to my chair. I made an appointment to go see my Chiro and he helped a little bit. At least my tilted pelvis was back in place. Then home to get back on the heat. 

Wednesday morning I woke up with even worse pain. I went back to my Dr. and this time, he pressed three times on my back, told me it was the weather and a strain and sent me off with a prescription for Percocet. That's what was given to me in April. The time in April, it lasted a few days and I was back to normal. But this time has been MUCH different; my spine is greatly involved. He told me that he looked at the x-rays that were taken in April and he saw the start of arthritis and that my back pain could be from the weather changing to cold. I highly doubted it. I just saw it as an excuse so nothing else could be done. I want an MRI, but my Dr has no intention of having me get one. 

As the week progressed, my back didn't get any better. My attitude about the whole thing was growing very dim as well. I could feel the depression coming back. Not as strong as before because my life, in a whole, has gotten a LOT better. But I felt the new joy and happiness that has filled my heart, slowly growing sad. And the number one reason was: I couldn't go to the gym. That has been killing me EVERY single day. I WANT TO BE BACK AT THE GYM!!!!!!!!!! Even if I just ride the bike, I will be back. 

Times will come when obstacles get in your way of getting healthy and fit; just as you've seen with me. My advice to you is to not let it get you down. Take the precautions you need so you can heal and get back to the gym or however you work out. Start back slowly. My plan for when I head back to the gym this coming Monday is to ride the bike you sit in, not on...so there's no pressure on the back. I've also used the 10 lb weights I have here in my room. Just don't give up! Don't lose the truth that you're worth it. Set backs will come. That doesn't mean your self-worth is set back as well. No...that means you have to fight harder to keep it close and not lose it. 

I wish I could write more, but my back is telling me to shut it down. Apparently the only chair my back likes is the one I should sleep in at night. I just have a hard time since Daisy, my dog, sleeps with me and I don't normally sleep on my back. Although today I took a three hour nap in my chair. Thanks to the Percocet! 

So in closing....DON'T GIVE UP!!!!! Depression might come, but DO NOT GIVE UP!!!!!!!!! You got this and you WILL win!!! :) 

Determination and Worth

July 1st I decided my life was ready to start a new journey! A journey to find who I am under all this fat. 

I won't lie and tell you it's easy. Heck no!! When you've been overweight all your life and all the sudden you decide to get up and go exercise...your body tries to tell you it didn't get the memo. I wasn't brutal to my body. I started slow. After a week or so of doing one thing, I would think of different things to do to target certain parts of my body. By the end of July I was going every morning for an hour. I made a CD of different songs that were fast tempo so it would push me to go faster. I knew I was building up muscle and I knew I was losing weight. I lost 15 lbs in July. 

When August started, I was still swimming and still eating as I did in July. I knew it would be a bit more rough with camping coming up so I did all I could before we headed out. And again, I won't lie and tell you it was easy while camping. NO NO NO!!! I was faced with more temptations than ever before. Raspberry filled donuts, Old Fashioned Glazed donuts, mini candy bars sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME on the picnic table. My hands wanted to grab one SO badly. That's when I got up and went to get me a sugar free Jell-O pudding. Sixty calories instead of 40 calories in ONE mini candy bar.

From August to today, the 26th, I've lost another 15. Making the total 30 pounds lost. 

Temptations will ALWAYS be around you. If they aren't, something isn't right! But if they are, you have what it takes to say NO! You have what it takes to say, "I'm worth getting healthy!" YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!! You can fight every single temptation and if they're getting to strong, walk away from it or...read the nutritional facts. That's what helped me get my pudding instead of the mini candy bar. Last night I went to Subway for dinner. While checking out, my mom looked at one of the gluten free brownies. I asked how many calories it had. I want to say 320. My jaw dropped...
Just remember...YOU are in control of what your body looks like! Hard to hear, but it's the truth and I face it every single day. I may be down 30 pounds, but I have MANY more to lose. Sometimes it's a very hard truth to accept, but I have no choice. I'm the one who has to see me, to dress myself, to shower....I see it, but I'm finding that I'm seeing the changes more than I'm seeing what I still have to lose. I think that's important to see your progress. Trust me...I feel a lot more changes than my body shows, but I'm feeling them. 

Just like a baby learning to walk...they have to take the FIRST step. And before you know it, they're off and running with their new found freedom. That's how we need to look at the journey we're each on. I didn't just run to the pool and jump in. I took the first step outside of my house and proceeded to the pool. Walking into the gym...I opened the door and stepped in; my first step to working even harder to find Jen. Pound by pound she's being revealed! 

I'm almost done with my 5th week at the gym. Let me tell you...there have been days I have wanted to stay covered up in my warm bed and just sleep. Just forget the world out there and let it go on without me for a day! The minute that thought comes to mind, it's shoved aside by the GET OUT OF BED NOW drill! I throw back the covers and get out of bed. Once my feet hit the floor, I don't get back into bed until my meds have taken over and it's time to sleep all night. I have taken a few naps though! I take Daisy outside and then I get my breakfast. I watch some TV or come onto Facebook while I eat. Once I'm done, I get dressed and gather my stuff that I take with me and head out. Once I get to the gym, I walk in like I belong there. Oh wait, I do! haha. I sign in, hang my keys up and get to work. 

Realizing you're worth getting healthy...that can be a HUGE obstacle. It's been the biggest one I've had to overcome and it's working! It also helps that I have such a HUGE support team behind me who are SO encouraging, supportive, loving, and just freakin' awesome! It's important to have those kind of friends on your side. There have been some rough days and I wanted to fall down and quit. My friends have helped push me back up to remind me I'm WORTH it! If you don't have friends like that, PLEASE let me be that friend for you! I have wonderful friends who have taken that first step and are making a positive change in their lives to be healthy and fit. They text me, send me private messages on Facebook. They can even call me if they need to. I am NOT one to judge. How can I judge you when I'm walking in your shoes? That's impossible. At least for me. I'm here to help in ANY way I can. 

Sometimes you just need that hand to hold to help you take your first step toward finding who you want to be! YOU CAN DO IT!!! And MOST importantly...YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!! 

Not Likely

A few minutes ago I was reading another blog and it was about weight loss and healthy eating. I would click on the recipes to see what made them healthy and the thought hit me that ya know what? There is a VERY high chance I will NEVER eat like that. And to me, that's okay. Am I adding things to my diet, I am doing my best. I eat MORE than I EVER have now, most days. We won't talk about yesterday! lol But really...I don't see me changing every single thing that I eat. I've added in more sources of protein. The shake I have once a day is....good. It's not great, it's not a yummy chocolate shake from McDonald's, but I drink it and I don't waste time. I know what the protein in the shake is going to do and THAT is what makes me grin and bear it. We have some protein bars and I've learned that it's not a tear a piece at a time and eat it slow. Nope. It's a take a bite, chew it, take a drink of water! They aren't HORRIBLE. You can't have the idea that "Oh it's just like a snickers! Surely it's YUMMY!!!" Nothin like a Snickers! It may be peanut butter and chocolate...yeah it's not anything like a Reese's either. Nope! NOTHIN like it! If a Reese's peanut butter cup and a protein bar were laid in front of me...I'd take the protein bar as hard as that would be. So I know, I'm making HUGE changes in my life and I am LOVING it, but I won't deny myself the pleasure of something that I would like to have. The last few days I have been craving a COOKIE, but it never happened and I'm okay with that. I think I'm doing well. 

I'm the only obese person at the gym that I've seen. Everyone else there is fit and thin or have 30, 40 lbs to lose. Do I hide when I go in there? No. I walk up the stairs and if people are in the room where I ride the bike, I smile at them and get on the bike and ride. A year ago, well, a year ago I wouldn't have even walked INTO a gym, so just the fact that I do THAT is a HUUUUUUUUUUUGE break through. I go get on my bike and I start riding. The other day when I got there, I walked a different way to the stairs and I passed a guy who is there often when I am and he said Hi. I replied the same and asked how he was doing. He said he'd let me know. I laughed and told him okay! I never heard, but he did fine! There are two ladies who I've met and we often chat for a minute or three when we're working out! We encourage each other and it's just a great and friendly environment. I enjoy going very much! 

Last night I didn't go until about 9:30. I got to working out and rode two miles on the bike going about 17 mph. I was beginning to think I needed my inhaler, but I kept breathing and made sure I could get that deep breath every now and then. After that I proceeded downstairs and worked my arms off. Not so much my butt, just my arms! I got home a little after 11 and soon after went to bed. 

I was asked how I motivate myself. I had to think about it for a minute, but to be honest, some days it is Just. Plain. Hard. There have been times when I wake up and all I want to do is stay in my warm bed with my Daisy dog and relax; watch some TV. But then my head clicks on and I think, I need to get up and eat so I can go to the gym. I need to eat an hour before I go. So I get up and get started on my day. Usually by 10 o'clock I'm heading out to the gym. I told my friend last night, "If I didn't see such awesome results from coming here to the gym, I don't think I'd come. This is the hardest thing I have EVER done to myself physically." It's even harder than the self-defense I took; Krav Maga. If you know what that is, and you've seen it or done it, you know that it kicks your BUTT!!! I think the difference is, I went to Krav to not get a workout, I went to learn to protect myself. With going to the gym, I'm doing this because it's healthy and it's what I need and I see EVERY SINGLE DAY how it's changing my life and body. My lower back has been giving me some issues and while standing, I put my arms behind my back and I have ZERO PROBLEMS reaching back and putting my thumbs together at my spine. AMAZING!!!!!!!!! Friday at my mom's work, I was waiting for her to get off the phone and I put my fists on my waist. I stopped and thought Wait a minute. That isn't squishy like it used to be. There's less fat there now!! It lifted my down mood quite nicely! I was beyond thrilled! 

So it may not be likely that I'll change my eating habits to PERFECT EATING, but it's VERY likely that I'll change my body to how it needs to be...fit and healthy! So if you're starting to change your diet and you feel torn...I've cut out a lot of stuff from my diet. Did I stop eating out? Nope. I used to drink Pepsi, Dr. Pepper...I stopped that and now, maybe once a day, I have a Diet Dr. Pepper. It's a nice treat and I don't allow my water intake to stop when I have one. When I need a chocolate fix, I eat a few chocolate chips. Are you asking how I can just eat a few?! It's because I put a few in my hand and put the bag back in the fridge and walk away. If you need to, go brush your teeth. That SHOULD stop you. I have friends who are emotional eaters and a lot of people are shocked when I tell them I'm not. I'm sure they're thinking Um...you're obese and you don't eat all the time? Here's some news for you...NOT eating doesn't make you lose weight and if it does, what's going to happen when you start eating again like you used to? Yep...nothing good. And you know what a HUGE change can be too? Portion control. Do you NEED seconds of spaghetti? Do you NEED a package of cookies instead of just one or two? Do you NEED a HUGE bowl of ice cream? You have to train your brain to know one is just enough. Because if you have that bag of chips on your lap while you're watching a movie or TV, or a jar of peanuts, or a bag of M&M's...by the end of the movie, how much do you think will be left in the bag? And if it's at night...where are all those calories you just unbeknownst to you put in your body, going to go when you crawl into bed and go to sleep? Everywhere you do not want them!! And then you'll have to go to the gym or take a long walk to work it off. 

I'll leave you with a bit of knowledge I learned from my trainer...for a person who doesn't exercise and just goes about their day as usual, THAT person needs EIGHT glasses of WATER a day. If you're a person who DOES exercise on a daily basis, you need WAAAAAAAAAAAAY more then eight glasses of water. Even the one who doesn't exercise daily...they should be drinking way more than eight glasses as well. So don't lack on water. If you read this and go "How much is enough then?" A gallon. Go for a gallon and you'll be just fine. "But I'll be in the bathroom ALL DAY!" Perhaps, but you'll also be flushing out toxins from your body. Good trade dontcha think? :) 

A Little Bit of This...and of That!

This is me when I was 15 years old. I actually wasn't thin at this time in my life, but this photo was taken at such an angle to make me look as if I am. This is the ONLY photo I have that I can refer back to "I used to be this size." I guess I'm at the point that any size lower than the one I'm at now would be great! For the most part, I've dropped a size. I've always worn bigger clothes to hide. I'm finding I'm moving past that a little at a time. This morning, when I was getting ready for church, I walked into my room after my shower and said to myself, "Now what to wear?" I moved some shirts in the closet and saw a blue one I wore seven years ago (not eight as my FB status said...oops) when I worked for Lifetouch Preschool Portraits. After leaving that job in 2006, I moved these clothes to the back of the closet. I figured I'd never wear them again, but hope was always in the back of my mind. So I put on one of my new smaller tops and the blue button up from 2006. I slid it on and went, "Wow!!" I was beyond thrilled! I wore my black slakes and my boots. I wore blue and silver earrings and my blue bracelet my cousin made me. The button up didn't even come close to closing at the bottom of it, but I didn't get down on myself or discouraged. I was happy!

Yesterday was the end of my third week of going to the gym full time! I remember thinking on Monday, "another week for the gym" and before I knew it, it was Friday. Amazing how fast the week flies by! It helps that I have something to do every day. The bad part of the week was after Tuesday when I did some punching for extra cardio. The days following that, my right wrist was experiencing a LOT of pain; to the point I couldn't put any weight on it with palm down. I did my best to live with it and continued to work out with my arms one day, legs the next. Friday evening, I went to the gym later in the evening and when I went to the bicep curls, I curled the right arm and had shooting pain from my wrist to my elbow. I clenched my jaw and kept going. I'm not a quitter. The other thing that is really giving me issues is my knees. I've lost a total of 208 lbs off of my knees and I know they're very thankful for that, but I'm also very aware that there is still a LOT of weight to be taken off. Because of this, and because of the leg exercises I do and the walking, whenever I climb stairs or descend stairs, my knees get a sharp stabbing pain with each step taken. I have heard this isn't good. I've heard I need to get both my knees and wrist looked at. This is where I feel torn. Do I go to my Dr., who more than likely won't do much other than feel it and make it hurt and give me meds that I'm probably already taking? Do I go to my Chiropractor to have him feel it, make it hurt and move it to ease the pain and not be able to use it for a while, which means arm day will be cut? Or do I just deal with the pain and ice it on my own and keep up on the Naproxen? 

Tonight I had my mom watch the Extreme Weight Loss season finale I recorded. I haven't deleted it yet and there's a very good chance I won't, because when I start feeling down or discouraged, it's Bob's story that encourages me the most. He said five words that slammed into my head and heart when I heard him say it. "I won't let obesity win!" And I've made that same commitment. I don't have Chris Powell to help me in person, but I have my trainer and I have Team Jen; which includes my Dr. and Chiropractor, and I know I can do this. Terry asked me tonight what I want with losing weight. I told him I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I want to shop for cute clothes in normal stores, I want to be able to do things I've never been able to do because of my weight and fears. I've been overweight for the majority of my life. For what life I have left, I want to be happy. I want to pay this forward as well. I want to help people, inspire people, motivate people. I have a few friends who have joined a gym or started back at exercise/hiking because of my positive statuses on Facebook and here in my blog. My Aunt and Uncle just joined a gym and she wants me to come be her guest so I can show her what to do on the machines for her arms. My knowledge of that has come from my trainer. I'm excited to go with her and help her so she can get the best out of her time at the gym. By no means am I trainer, but if I'm able to help someone get started and stay motivated, I'm all for it! Every day I'm at the gym, I sit at a few machines that face mirrors, which I hate, but I'm getting use to, and sometimes I'm able to look at myself when I'm done w/ a machine, or resting between sets. Sometimes I get that negative look as I look over my body. And other times I see the fighter I am. I look at myself and I dare myself to change. I get back on the machine and punch out my next set. I am NOT a quitter and I WILL reach my goals. 

If you find my blog and you've been wanting to lose weight, even just 10 lbs or 100 lbs, realize that NO ONE but YOU can make that happen. No one is going to hold your hand and spoon feed you. You need to be serious about it and take the bull by the horns and make it mind. You have the power to be who you want to be. Your life is a book...make it a best seller and always remember...

Stone Work

Have you ever had one of those times when something is said and you instantly begin to think about it and give it life? I had one of those moments today. Very intriguing. 

Because I have never been at a healthy weight, I have nothing to look back on to say, "I used to be this size, I can work toward that." Instead I get the, "Hmmm I don't know what I'm going to look like." Sometimes it's hard to have goals when you're missing that part of the puzzle. Well, today I was talking with a friend and she told me that a sculptor was once asked, "How did you know to carve David like that?" 
His simple reply was, "I carved away everything that wasn't David." 

Ever since starting on this new journey of getting healthy, I have wondered, who I am going to be when I've reached my goal. I have a number in mind, thinking and hoping I can reach it. Today while at the gym, I did a lot of thinking between sets. Around me were fit people, not overweight as myself, and I sat there thinking, "Will I ever look like that? Am I working hard enough? Am I here enough?" And as quickly as the thought came, it was replaced with, "I'm doing the best I can. I'm here an hour and a half to two hours a day." I refuse to kill myself in the gym, to work so hard I can't breathe or injure myself and be unable to work out for who knows how long." I love going to the gym. I was told today I'm the captain of my own ship. I can add in any machines I want into my workout. It's not that I've had a huge desire to do one more than the other, I was just wondering when I'd be able to add in more. Knowing I'm the Skipper of my ship, that's helpful. 

Last week when I was going through a rough time, the picture I had in my head consisted of a road, me standing in the middle of it and all of you, Team Jen, standing close behind. You weren't cheering me on, you weren't encouraging me, and that's okay. It was a crucial time...it was now or never. Ahead of me in the picture stood nothing but myself and time. There was no mountain I had to climb, no shaky bridge I had to cross, it was just myself, standing there, keeping me from moving forward. I broke through that with the help from a couple of very helpful friends. And now, the picture I see in my head is of this same road, me standing there, Team Jen close behind, and a large stone in front of me. It's not one that I have to find a way around or over, it's one that I will create who I am going to be while chiseling away the old me. Every day I work out at the gym, every smart move I make with eating; that is what creates the new and chisels away the old. This journey is long, emotional, encouraging, disappointing...but also it's fun. I'm doing something good for ME for once. Learning you're worth getting healthy and being happy...it's a humbling experience. 

While going through quotes tonight, I found this one and it couldn't come at a better time. Before I post it, I want to say, from the bottom of my heart, Thank You, to each one who reads my blogs, who encourages me, who support me, who love me, who care about me, who wants the best for me...you all mean the world to me and I am forever grateful to have you in my heart and life. Thank you for being you! 

  

Expectation and Questions

The following has been on my mind since starting my new program a week ago. 
Prior to starting my new routine, I felt great about my workout. I knew what to do once I walked through the door. I felt many changes take place that week and in the end, I lost six pounds. This last Monday, I started the new routine and it's a lot more intense. That's not a bad thing. It's just made me question myself a bit more and that's not always a good thing. That's when my mind tries to talk myself out of doing what is good for me. So maybe you can help me out too. :) 

I mentioned earlier, in a past blog, that gyms were NEVER my thing. And now that I'm a member of one, I can't imagine it NOT being my thing. I be sure and take Sundays off and even then I'm not liking it, but I know I need a day off. 
Ever since Monday, when I had the asthma attack, it put a pretty big fear inside of me. I find that I'm not doing everything I've been suggested to do...the Helix machine, the spin bike...because after I do my cardio to start with and the liquid awesome has begun, I'm ready to go work on the machines and free weights. I work up quite the sweat and by the time I have to walk back up three flights of stairs, I want to sit down at the top. I don't of course, I make it to the bike, but today was leg day, and by the time I got upstairs after the workout, I sat down on another flight of stairs that are up there to get my breathing under control. I got up and went in to do the Helix machine. I'm not too proud to say I SUCK at that. I know I need to do more, but I'm able to do about 15 and my heart is racing. My legs want to collapse under me. I walk on the treadmill. I upped the incline today from 2.5 to 3.0 and I walked between 2.8 and 3.0. And then my stupid leg started to hurt. I went and rode a mile on the bike and called it a day. I rode two miles to start my warm up in 7:35 seconds!!!!!!!!! I beat my old time!!! That always makes me happy. Even if it's not a HUGE difference. Then I went downstairs and did my four machines. I upped the leg extension to 50 lbs and the standing curls to 50 lbs. The back extensions, I guess they are called, I upped it to 120 lbs. I can tell a difference in my back a lot since adding that one in and I do that each day I'm there. 

Just to let you know too, I don't put all the weight and stuff in this to toot my own horn. I do it as remembrance for me so I can see how I go up with what I'm doing. 

Today ends my second complete week at the gym. I always question myself about this.....am I doing too much weight? Am I right on with the weight? Am I failing myself because I'm freaked about having my heart explode? Am I expecting too much from myself from just being there TWO WEEKS...for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE? I know I'm not in shape, but I also know I'm getting there. Slowly. I feel a lot more than I see happening to my body. I was told today it was noticeable. I've been told it's really noticeable in my face. Which is awesome and it makes me so happy! Go back a few years and that would have FREAKED me out and I would have stopped and gained it all back. But now it makes me happy to see that I'm doing the right thing. 

I have nothing to compare with what I'm doing. Karen asked me if I've ever been at the weight I was suppose to be. Nope. I've always been overweight that I can remember and I know why. It's getting worked on as well. So I have no idea what someone who has never stepped foot in a gym is suppose to do. I threw myself in with the help of my trainer and here I am. I guess I'm just scared that with what I'm not doing enough of, will get me in the end. Yes, I want my endurance up, I want to last longer on Cardio machines. I know it's gotten better in my everyday life. My mom and I went to Costco a few days ago and she commented on how much faster I walk now. And guess what? My leg didn't cramp. AND I WAS IN FLIP FLOPS!!!!!! Explain THAT one!! 

I'm sorry if this post is all over the place. I guess my head is too on this subject. I guess I just don't want to fail and I feel I am with having this HUGE fear over my head and being too afraid to get my heart rate up to high speed chase numbers. I'm not sure how accurate the heart rate thing is when I ride the bike, but today it showed my heart rate at 147. I didn't feel faint or sick to myself. I was just working hard. 
This is what my trainer told me when I was a bit worried about starting my new program this last Monday..."How much have you lost so far? Rhetorical question, 22 freaking pounds. That's a lot and you're only going to keep losing if you keep going. You're in it for good Jen, keep kicking butt!"
I know he's right. I just have a HUGE tendency to doubt myself and my abilities. I don't want to go anywhere but up with working out and losing weight and inches. I told my Dr. on Friday that I do not want ANYTHING to stop me from getting healthy. She agreed and told me not to get discouraged and to keep going, I'm doing great. I have ZERO desire to quit. I WILL NOT QUIT!!! There are waaaaaaaay too many awesome changes to turn back! 

I guess I just need to believe in myself the way you believe in me. I'll get there! Don't give up hope! I hope you were able to get through this w/o wanting to pull your hair out! Thank you for your patience! 

I will, however, end on a great note! I had my first protein shake after working out today! I had a banana in it with water, ice and the protein powder! It's good, just something to get used to! If you're my friend on Facebook, you'll see the photo! :) Tonight, while taking a shower, I was noticing my lats and how they're feeling stronger! Everything is getting a bit easier to do! I'm excited about that!!! :) 

Have a great week! 

To Save a Life

The title for this one comes from a favorite movie of mine. I thought it would be fitting for this post. 

Monday started my new routine at the gym. Needless to say, my butt got kicked. I started with cardio on the treadmill. My trainer told me to bump it up to 3.3. Um...that's...wow. I did it and I could only do one lap before my leg started to throb. I went downstairs and started doing my five normal arm machines. I bumped the weight up on the Lat pull to 75 lbs. The pec deck I now do 40 lbs. Military press (shoulder press) is still 30 lbs. Tricep pull still 45 lbs. Bicep bar still 25 lbs. With that, we added back extensions to strengthen my lower back at 110 lbs, alternating bicep curls with free weights, I believe I did 40 lbs total. Dumbell press I think was 40 lbs total. The butterfly...that one I SUCK at. My right shoulder can't seem to work as well as the left. I did 20 lbs total on that and then I used a bar that weighs 15 lbs to do skullcrushers and I'm happy to report I didn't crush my skull! ha ha ha. After all of that, we went upstairs and I did a machine called Helix. If you don't know what it is, YouTube Helix Machine. That was very new to me so I wasn't on it very long. While I was doing that, my trainer went to set up to spin bikes in the big room. I got on that and he got on the other that was facing me and we started peddling. Then we had to go as fast as we could for 30 seconds. After that, I couldn't breathe; an asthma attack took over. My trainer talked me through it and encouraged me to do the right thing with how to breathe. We kept going after that and then we were done. We rode for about 10 minutes. I got off and worked on getting a full breathe. I was a walking dead person! My face was so red and my heart wanted to beat out of my chest. It was a good burn, scary, but good. I came home and took three Ibprophen. 

Tuesday morning came early as it was my first day at the Jungle Gym. I got there around 8:30 and it was a full four and a half hour shift. But it was fun! After I was done there, I headed over to the gym. I went up to the cardio room after changing into my work-out clothes and started on the treadmill. I put it up to 3.0 for speed and that seemed to be plenty because soon after I started, my leg began to cramp. That just discouraged me even more than I already was. I pushed out the 2nd lap and then got myself downstairs to sit and massage the heck out of my leg. The bruise from doing it before is still there, but I can't care when my leg is so cramped up. I was told to start on the leg routine I normally do so I did. I wasn't into working out today as I have been and that really bothered me. I didn't say anything about it because tears were right on the brim. I think my leg extensions are ready to go up in weight. I'm at 40 lbs and have been since I started there a week and a half ago. I'm trying to move everything up. The ones I make look so easy, even though they burn, I need to burn more. After that, I went to the leg press. I was pissed off at my lack of motivation so I decided to up the lbs on that. I've been at 175 for a week so I put on two 45s and two 25s. Total of that was 205 lbs. I was happy with that. The standing leg curl, I'm still at 40 lbs. I'm not sure I'm ready to up that one. After that I went upstairs and did the Helix again...a bit longer than before. I went into the big room to catch my breath after I was done and then I did a few Roman squats. After that I got on the spin bike. I'm not sure how long I rode...not long. I did two sets of 15 seconds going as fast as I could. 

I have this fear, I feel it when I'm on the spin bike or on the Helix, that I'm going to go so fast that I can't catch my breath when I'm done. That just freaks me out. I left the gym disappointed in myself and very low motivation. So after I got home, I came to my computer to let my trainer know what was going on. The dam broke and I just cried and cried.  He gave me words of encouragement, as did my wonderful boyfriend Terry. They both gave me the same advice. So that's a plus! 

After talking to Terry and my trainer and a couple friends, my mind set began to change. I started thinking about this getting healthy. I can't tell you the amount of times my mind has told me to just give up, the road is too hard, you can't do it. I will never forget what my Pastor's wife said one Sunday when I lived in Indiana..."Never say you can't. You CAN, you just need some help!" And I'm finding that very true in the gym. Something else I thought about was, I started this journey on my own. No doctor told me to lose weight. I made the choice. I asked Terry early on if he would support me and not put me down if I failed once or twice. I asked. I made that choice. I decided it was time. Being dedicated to go to the pool every single day and work as hard as I chose to, that's not something I ever thought I'd do. Losing 15 pounds in the month of July simply by changing the way I eat and working out everyday....I did it!!!!!!! I chose to save a life...my life. I lost my vision of who I want to be today. I lost the drive to get there. 

I looked in the mirror today at the gym and I didn't see the Jen of today, I saw the Jen from before July. It broke me. It broke my spirit. My mind set changed after realizing the fears and why I lost my motivation. I have a battle to win and I'm not going to lose. There may be days I want to give up, where I hurt so badly I don't want to get out of bed (actually that won't happen because it's not suppose to), where going to the gym just isn't possible because I just don't want to go. It's then that I walk into my bathroom and look at my mirror and see this....

That's all it takes. That right there is what gets my butt in gear and out the door headed down to the gym to get healthy. Terry often reminds me, I didn't get this way overnight and it won't come off overnight. As much as I hate that, it's so very true. And even if being proud of yourself is wrong, then I'm wrong because I am DAMN proud of the steps I've taken and the steps I have yet to make. I will win this war, I will be healthy and fit and I will know I'm worth it. 

Not all my posts will be giggles. I, like you, struggle. It's together we can get out of the pit with the muscles we have created, and move forward, only looking back to see how far we've come. I'm motivated, I'm hungry to be healthy, happy and fit. 

Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to read my blog. It means the world to me and I hope in some small way, it can help you get the motivation you need. It truly helps me stay motivated knowing that you're getting motivated as well! 

Remember, you're not just saving a life....you're saving YOUR life! 

Road Block

Yesterday, Thursday, began on a good note! I went into the gym and did my routine and when I got to the leg press, I couldn't remember which weights my trainer used, so I put on two 45 lb weights and two 35 lb weights. The press alone is 65 lbs. If you add that up, 225 lbs. Thirty-six reps at 225 lbs. Yes, I did it, but I quickly learned that wasn't the right amount! So today, I went back down to 175 lbs. 

After leaving the gym, I decided to go to the Dr. and get weighed. When I stood on the scale, my nurse's face turned into a HUGE happy face! She came back and lifted up six fingers! It's the end of August now (hard to believe right) and I've lost a total of 7 lbs. In July I lost 15. So two months of working out daily and eating better has dropped me 22 lbs. That is a good healthy loss I think and have been told. Let's hope September can be just a tad bit better! :) Also while at the Dr., I asked for my weight to be written down. She did and gave it to me folded in half. I went out to my car, called my mom and told her about the loss. I then drove down to our Bounty Market as it was my friend's birthday. Before getting out of the car, I lifted the top piece of the folded paper to reveal my weight. I broke inside...

I went over and sat down. Another friend who was there and myself started talking about weight and muscle and the gym since we go to the same one. She explained the way muscle is with fat and I wish I could remember it all, but I just can't. I asked if she would explain it to me again. I left a little while later and when I got home, Terry was online and I just lost it. I couldn't stop crying. I felt like a failure and that no one should be inspired by someone who weighs that much. I never wanted to eat again. The face of failure was staring me down. 

That night, I went to bed a failure. I didn't write a blog; I couldn't. I wasn't sure sleep would find me, but it did and for the most part, I slept like a log. I woke up to sweet messages from Terry. I had a hard time staying awake because it just felt like depression had found it's way back to my shoulders. Comfortable in bed is where I wanted to stay. At around 9:00, I made the decision to get up and go eat breakfast. I did and then my dad got home a little after 10:00. I went and got my gym clothes on and walked out the door. 

Upon arriving at the gym, I took my last puff and headed for the door. I was expecting to see my trainer, but he wasn't there. I scanned my key and headed upstairs. This last week, I've talked to a couple women just very briefly and when I walked into the treadmill room, they were each on one. I was asked how I was doing and if I was getting used to working out. I told her I was, that it was my 5th day in a row! I got on my treadmill, put my earphones on and started walking. Incline at 2.5, my speed at 2.3. My head said just do one lap. I paid attention to the TV while I walked and did some thinking and before I knew it, one lap was done. I moved it up to 2.5. I continued on. I did my two laps and headed downstairs. I beat that negative thought! 

I got on the first machine and pushed out the reps. But the last few...I was feeling it. The first three machines I use are only 12 reps and with today, it felt like so much more. So when I had to do the 21 reps, I had to push hard. I refused to quit. I did the leg extensions before the bicep bar because I forgot. But it was nice because it gave my arms a break to be able to do the bar. The leg press I went back to 175. That was tough for me, but not unbearable. After I finished the machines, I sat on the steps of the staircase that would lead me back up to do more cardio. I took a couple minutes and then made my way up. I got on the bike and my head said just do one mile. I came to the finish on the first lap and kept going another mile. I beat that negative thought. I walked back downstairs and told the one working today to have a nice day as I walked out of the gym. The whole time I felt like the world was on my shoulders, making my workout that much harder. I looked up and saw that the Chamber of Commerce was still open. I have two wonderful friends who work there and I needed support. 

I walked in and one friend was busy with some customers so I went to my next friend and she hugged me. I sat down and I told her everything from the day before to right then. She held my hand and listened. I couldn't keep the tears inside. I cried and cried. I was so broken down. She then reminded me of the milestones I've reached. Walking into and staying in a gym is one, getting full body photos taken for my journey, asking for my weight because I haven't known it for YEARS...I then began saying my own of getting up to a great amount of weight on the machines at the gym in less than a week of being there, losing 22 pounds, losing 176 pounds off my knees. Together we removed the world from my shoulders. I walked out of the Chamber feeling SO much better. My support Team Jen friends are amazing. They were there when I needed them most and I can never thank them enough. 

I got home from the gym and made some lunch. While eating it, I talked with my sweetheart! I told him that yesterday at the gym, a muscle guy was doing the pec deck while I was doing the shoulder press. I had yet to do the pec deck because he was using it and coming back over and over. As I was resting between sets, I watched him for a few seconds in the mirror. He was doing like 130 lbs and he didn't have a "This is so easy" look on his face. He had the look of pain. When he was done, he stood up and walked away breathing hard. And it hit me as clear as day. He didn't start at 130 lbs. He had to build up to it. I don't know why he's lifting that much, if he's going for competition or what, but just the fact that he had to start somewhere. We ALL have to start somewhere. Some can't even leave their homes and yet they find a way. Today when I was leaving, I looked into the free weight room and there, in a wheelchair, was a lady using weights for her arms. It doesn't matter your age or your size your issue. If you have the desire, the fight, the want, the NEED to change your life, no one is stopping you, but yourself. While I was talking to my friend today, I told her, "I see this picture in my head and I'm standing on a road and all my friends who support me are close behind me and there isn't anything in front of me. The road block was myself. The news of my weight and the instant thought of failure. I may have broke, but I picked up the pieces and put them back together. I know many more of these will come and I will always do the same thing...I will always put the pieces back together, because I'm not just creating someone, I'm creating ME. And I will do it. 

              I guess even the motivator needs motivation at times.