It's been too long

Saturday, July 16, 2016 @ 1:28 a.m.

The last few months have been very trying. In June I lost one of my second cousins. I have nine second cousins. The one I lost; his photo is on our fridge and when I see it, my heart hurts. He was just 19 years old and when I found out, my cousin and her husband rammed into my heart. I hurt, I hurt for their loss. I thought of my Aunt, her grandson. I thought of my other cousin, her nephew. To my two second cousins, their brother. All of my family on my mom's side came to the service, only a few were missing. But his death has yet to leave me. I don't know if I would classify it as grieving, but it just...I've been there. I've stood at that cliff. That cliff has my name carved into the ground, my foot prints, forever pressed into the dirt. I think of my cousin and my heart hurts.

Since moving out, my parents have been such a huge support to us. I am forever grateful for their love and the support they've given us. Each month they help us with groceries from Costco. They share their toilet paper as they get the huge pack from Costco. There are not enough ways for me to thank them. Before I was ever close to even getting married, I told myself I didn't want my parents to have to help me. Well, I guess that didn't happen. I NEVER expect anything my parents do for us. By all means, they shouldn't have to help us, but their hearts are so big and I know their blessed for all they do, because I'm eternally blessed to have them as my parents.

Since 7th grade, I've lived in a very dark world of depression. There were times where the sun broke through the gray fog, and for those days, I'm thankful. My self-confidence was never higher than an inch off the ground. The events that happened in my life left me with a world of guilt on my shoulders. I took the blame for everything. I saw the outcome of my action and I never felt like I deserved to be alive. Many tried to convince me it wasn't my fault. I tried, I tried to believe them. But when you're 10 years old and the actions of others that were thrown at me, it left a huge impression in my mind and on my heart. I'm a donor. But I always wanted to let them know somehow, to not give my heart. It's so broken and hurt and injured and barely giving me life, no one deserves to have that kind of heart.

Here's another thing, I'm a born again God fearing Christian. I have been my whole life. There have been times when I'm on fire and wanting to spend as much time as I can with God. For those of you who are also Believers, I'm sure you're asking, how could you be a Christian and live in such an awful world. It's a great question. And the only answer I have is, I've not believed I deserved to be loved by God. With the guilt and shame already weighing down on me, I just felt like I didn't deserve His love. There are still times I think that way. But I know God has a plan for my life. I turned 40 in April and it was so hard for me. But the love of my family and friends made it a bit easier. I never planned to live this long. When I first got on OHP, I picked a doctor I wanted to see and one of the first things I told him, "I don't plan on living to see 40." He looked at me and said, "You need to change the way you think." I looked down at my hands in my lap and I thought, "Good luck doc." But here I am...a 40 year old who has nothing to show for her life. I married Terry when I was 38. I wanted to be a mom, but I knew I couldn't bring a baby into the world I hated. I know I would have failed him or her. So, my Abigail is up there in Heaven. Maybe I'll get her when I go to Heaven.

I'm watching a HBO show called Kindergarten. I LOVE this show. I think because that is what I was going to college for in Indiana before I moved back home. When I moved back to Oregon, I quickly got a job in a Pre-K class in a daycare. I had about 10 students and I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!! But I was 28 years old. I was ready to challenge anything that may come my way. My parents loved me just as their child did. And I loved each child I had. Sadly, I lost one of my students from back then. Very sad indeed.

I'm not telling you all this for your pity. Quite the contrary. It was a very hard day on Friday. From 2:00 on. I made a good dinner, cleaned up the kitchen. Tomorrow I'm tackling the horribly dirty bathroom. The floor needs vacuumed. I need to dust. I'm also hoping to go to some garage sales with my mom. She came and picked me up after she got off work and we went to about five sales. I hit the jackpot with getting a new office chair for $3.00. I used it tonight as I worked on my resume and reference page. Along with a few other things I need. I'll fill those out tomorrow, well, later today. It's now 2:13. I can feel my medication starting to take over my mind and body. I'm sitting here watching TV and writing this at the same time.

The word of advice I can give to you...never judge someone because of how they are. You never know what someone is going through. Your kindness could save a life. Your judgement could take a life. Please be careful how you are. I don't want to lose any of you. So please, stay safe and know that I love with my whole heart. I'm just hoping for a great weekend...

Good night, good morning....2:20 a.m.

Jen

Mother's Day

When I was about eight years old, I received my first cabbage patch kid. Long red hair, red checkered outfit and white shoes and socks. I remember looking at her scalp and seeing it was red, thinking how funny that was. At the age of ten, I received my first preemie cabbage patch kid. That year my birthday was on Easter. I remember I named her Connie; after my favorite 3rd grade teacher. I'm not sure of the age that I got my splash and play cabbage patch kid. All together, I had like 8. One was a pony and one was a cat. I still have the pony and all the dolls. But when I got my splash and play kid, everything changed in my make believe world. I could give her real baths because she had a hard body that could get wet. I named her my favorite one of all; Abigail. That is the name I wanted to name my daughter when the time would come.

As I grew older, life got harder to live and as I looked toward the future, I knew having children wasn't going to be my dream come true. At age 12, I started baby sitting. From then until I was 30, I took care of children. Some of them I keep in touch with and I love that I do. Others were too young and wouldn't remember me.

I never feared I would get pregnant. I never used anything to make me not. I just knew that with the depression I lived in for so long and being alone for even longer, I would leave this life never knowing how it feels to hold a brand new baby I gave birth to.

Working with children for so long, I had taken many classes that taught me a lot about the problems you could have giving birth at later ages; particularly over the age of 35. So, I gave myself to 35. I am now 40.

I know some will say, "You have Daisy." Yes, yes I do. And I love her, I do. There's just a big difference between a dog and a human life. Everyone always told me I'd make a great mom. I would have loved to believed them, but neither of us will ever know for sure...

Jen

A great time had by all

Saturday started out nicely as we were able to sleep in a bit. My mom called and woke us up at 10. So we got up and ate some breakfast. Around 1:00, we headed over to my parents house. My brother and his wife are here visiting from Idaho. It's so great seeing them! It feels like forever since I last saw them. We hooked Daisy outside when we got there so she could enjoy the sun. My nephew was there washing my parents' vehicles. He does great work. My niece and the little girl she takes care of came over next. That was a lot of fun! The little one she watches is 1 1/2 years old. SO cute!! My other brother and his girlfriend came over and then my oldest niece and her boyfriend came over. That was the best time I've had in a very long time in a family setting! Amazing when you take away and add, how right that makes things! A lot of laughter and that was helpful! We left at around 9:00.

I think Daisy has learned she has her own home and Grandma and Grandpa's is just a place to visit now. But when my mom comes for lunch during the week, I'll open the door and Daisy gets SOOOO excited!!! She piddles as she jumps in pure excitement! So when we're at their house for a while, we'll look at her and ask her if she's ready to go. Her ears will perk up and she'll run to the door. It's cute!

This morning we left her at home, alone for the first time since she ripped up the carpet. I put up the garbage cans in the bathroom and bedroom up and left the doors open. I prayed for her and we prayed for her at church. We went to Walmart and by my parent's after church. We got home around 2:00. I opened the door gently and walked in slowly. I did a walk through and found the place just as we left it. I gave her a new treat we got her. We are so proud of her! So I unloaded everything and put things away and then found our baseball game on TV. The Giants were playing the last game in their three game series with the NY Mets. WE WON! I took a nap after that was over. I woke when my mom called me at 7:50 PM.

This new medication I'm on, my doctor said it is a weight loss pill as well. I can see why. You don't have a want for anything. I had cereal for dinner. Yep, that's pretty normal.

So yeah, Saturday was one of my favorite days! I got to spend it with my husband and my wonderful family! I know it can't happen all the time, but when it does, I cherish it.


Have a great Monday!

Jen

Living a new life

On March 12, my husband, Terry, and myself, moved into our beautiful two bedroom apartment. We've made it our home and like most who move in, we're still not fully moved in. My craft room still needs to be moved over. We just need the right people on the right nice weekend. It will work out.

This is the first time I've been in my own place with a husband. When I lived in Indiana, I moved into someone else's house and I wasn't the cook. I didn't know I could cook and he didn't give me the chance to try. I kept the house clean, but we lived mostly in the loft. So living here with Terry is TOTALLY different. And SOOOOOO much better! :)

So we've been here since March 12th. I'm back to being a total night owl. The latest I've gone to bed is 3:30 am. I don't know. I blame it on being born at night. haha! But when I wake up, I put my feet on the ground and I try to stay busy until I go to bed. There are times, often, that I take a nap during the day. I tried today, but we were watching the NFL Draft. And all I could think about was the time and the amount it would take to wash the current dishes and start dinner and how long it would take to make it. So I got up and got to work.

So this was our dinner tonight! I made it a few weeks ago, too, but used a different seasoning. Both were great! Terry asked me why I doubt my cooking. I responded with, "I doubt everything I do." But I was glad he enjoyed it. I try and make a good dinner a few nights a week. He really enjoys spaghetti and that's nice and easy to make. I also like to make Mac-n-Cheese with hot dogs. LOVE this meal! The one I'm not good at is sides. Both Terry and I are picky eaters. Everything I do is simple. Terry doesn't complain so I guess it's okay! I feel bad when I don't make a meal every night. But like Wednesdays, we're at my parents' house. Not sure we will be now though since Terry's done bowling in the league. So I need to think of some other things to make that we'll both like. 

I not only cook, I'm also keeping flowers alive outside and if you know me, this is a big deal. Two wonderful friends blessed me with my favorite flowers! But they're both doing well, so I'm happy! I also keep the apartment clean and organized. I had to bring the manager in on Monday to see the damage Daisy did on Friday and I was hoping it was clean enough. I'm sure it was. Because we were suppose to get important visitors on Thursday so I cleaned this place top to bottom. They ended up not coming so...we had a clean home! 

So my role has changed from living at home to just Terry and I and Daisy and I'm totally okay with it. I'm still helping Chris with her speech. She comes here now and it's SO much better. I teach an ASL class at the Senior Center Wednesday mornings from 9-10. Writing class Friday mornings. So I stay busy, but it's good. I rest at night. Now I just need to find the time to read. I have SO many books to read and I have a book to work on too. I need to learn to organize my time. Any of you guys have tips on how to do that? :) 

It is now Friday morning...12:01 am. My meds are kicking in and I have to be up for writing class. Have a great Friday and weekend! :) 

It's the little things

My journey to find Jen is moving right along! The past couple of days have been hard on the self-control. Someone brought chocolates to my mom's work, where I am everyday. My goal is to eat zero tomorrow. I stay in my calorie count, but I don't want to use my calories on crap. Just like I don't want to drink my calories. In the mornings, my dry mouth is so horrible, I drink 6oz of Pepsi and that cuts it. I drink water just about all day, except for my Diet Dr. Pepper at lunch and even then I don't usually drink it all. 

So the last week or so I've been noticing little changes that I can do, but couldn't a few weeks ago! One way is when I'm drying off from a shower, I can reach farther and it's so much easier to dry off. I noticed that I can get up from chairs easier. On Sunday, I was at the nursing home we have a church service at and I sat down in the chair. I sat down, fully, in the chair. I haven't been able to put my whole body in the chair. I sat there in complete awe...I looked at my mom and said, "Mom!! Look! I'm sitting ALL THE WAY in the chair." My back was against the back of the chair...I was SO happy!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

This morning when I got dressed, before I started this weight loss, I would have to sit down to put my left leg in the pants. Today I put the right leg in and the left leg in...while standing. I WAS STANDING AND PUT MY PANTS ON LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To say I was excited is an understatement! 

I don't know if you've ever experienced anything that I'm writing about, and that's okay, but when I'm lying in bed, I FEEL smaller. I don't know how the weight is doing as I'm only weighed when I see my doctor once a month, but I know I KNOW I'm losing inches like mad! The pants I wore today, I've been wearing for a while. But they're getting more loose in the legs and tummy area. 

In a couple weeks, I'm hoping we are moving to our new home! It's only an apartment, but to me, it's our home! I'm very excited to have our own place and our life together. I know Terry is more than ready! 

So yeah, the little things in this journey are so exciting!! When someone hugs me, they can feel a difference and that makes me happy too! 

My battery is getting low so I better post this and share it with you guys! Have a great rest of your week! 

Until next time...

Jen :) 

God is GOOD!!

Today it's a cloudy Monday morning on President's Day. I'm sitting on the couch watching Walker Texas Ranger. As I sit here, I'm wearing my yoga pants (LOVE THEM), a t-shirt and a black sweatshirt. No big deal right? The sweatshirt I'm wearing, could not be worn a year ago.

January 10, 2016, I started the eating plan on my Fitbit. I simply count my calories and with doing that, a lot changed in my life. Some of you won't understand this, and that's okay, but through my Pastor, God told me the weight would start falling off me. I received that RIGHT AWAY and so far, I've lost 4 lbs and a LOT of inches!

Last night I was writing in my journal and the subject of jeans came up. I don't have many. And I remembered Terry had gotten me a black pair. I started looking through stuff and found a couple sweatshirts, shirts and my tank tops!! So this morning, when I woke up, I saw the sweatshirt. I thought, "Oh for giggles let's see how it fits." PRIOR to this, when I first got it, I put my arms in it and I knew then, there was no way it was going to fit. So this morning, I put my arms in it and I was shocked. I put it on and THERE WAS ROOM IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I went into my mom's room and I said, "Mom! Remember this sweatshirt??? It didn't fit when we got it." I pulled the sides out and said, "LOOK!!!!" I was and still am in shock! I'm wearing it and it feels SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good!! I'm not one to wear tight clothing. I'll buy a size up so I'm comfortable. But to know this fits and I can wear it with NO problem....I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The smile has yet to leave my face! :) :) :) :)

I can do things I haven't been able to do in a long time!!!! And it feels SOOOOO good!!!!! I tell ya, I saw some cute clothes last night in Fred Meyer in Tillamook and instead of getting depressed about not being able to wear them, I just said, "I'll be wearing that in no time!" My outlook on life is way better than it EVER has been!!Now I just need to find my black jeans!! 

The other awesome thing I'm going to write about is the miracle of Terry and I getting our apartment! God has given us His favor and proved His love to both of us as this all came to life! In a couple weeks, Terry and I will make our new apartment home! I am so excited to move out and get on our own! It's past time, BUT, it's all in God's timing! 

My mom is doing awesome with her arm now. And she doesn't need me like she did when she first broke it. I'll still take her to her last couple of PT appointments. We're moving to Monmouth! There are many things I'm excited about with living there! The only hard part will be everything we do is in Dallas! But we're away enough to breathe and be on our own! I told my mom she can come visit anytime. So can dad. But we may need to get some furniture first. We lack in that. Although we may have a couch. My mom and Aunt Dode is so excited to come help me unpack and decorate! 

So in the end, God has met our needs and I've learned to wait on Him. Because when I do, He blesses me beyond belief! As many times as I've turned my back to hurt who I am, He has always been there when I turned around and needed to be held. He's so patient with me and I am beyond thankful for that! 

I hope this blog put a smile on your face at some point! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coloring?

I have been coloring for a major part of my life. It has always brought my anxiety down and made the depression a little bit lighter. But I've noticed that I color when I'm in some kind of emotional distress. I don't do it to avoid what I'm feeling, but making each stroke on the paper, in a bright color or a deep blue, helps calm me. But other times, I simply do it because it's something I really enjoy doing. Being a perfectionist, if I go out of the line, then I have a bit of a panic. It passes when I'm able to fix it. 

In 1994, I colored A LOT! That year was by far the worst one of my life.

I save all my coloring books and I'm kind of odd when it comes to my crayons. I like them new! I never use the sharpener on the back of the box. I usually get the 96 count of Crayola crayons! That's another thing, I ONLY use Crayola art supplies, except of course, Sharpies! I got a big box of them for Christmas!  But when my main colors of crayons are in need of sharpening, I buy the 24 count box and replace them. The coloring pencils I have are in a box like crayons. I like those as well. I use them a lot with my card making and coloring. 

When I was a Pre-K teacher, I would have a time for art and I'd always color. Well, the kids always loved to color with me and wanted to color just like me! I had a lot of pictures on my wall that they gave me! Oh how I miss that! 

I have a friend, Crystal, who colors beautifully. I wish I could color like her. I guess I'm just not very good at being artistic with coloring. My niece, Logan, likes to trace in markers and color in with crayons. She does a great job! 

As you know, they now have books out for Adult coloring. I find it odd that all the sudden it's cool to color as an adult, but perhaps frowned upon in the teen years. In all the years I've lived in depression, coloring has always been my way to express my feelings. I, in no way, can draw. I doodle, but very plain at that. My parents got me a very nice Butterfly coloring book for Christmas as well as the Sharpies. I LOVE quotes, so I did a Google search for adult quote coloring pages and I printed quite a few. I've done three today so far. I think I'm done for the day...keyword think. 

So how about you? Do you color? Did you grow up loving it? How do you feel about it coming back for adults? At my mom's work, they're having an Adult Coloring day. I hope a lot show up! 

I guess this was a boring entry! I've been thinking about it all day, so now it's out there and ready for you to read! :) 

Have a great first week of February! 

Jen

A much needed time with friends!

Tomorrow morning, Saturday, I'm going to spend 5ish hours with a few friends! I kinda have my own line of greeting cards. But tomorrow, my cards will be a bit more simple, but hopefully received with a smile. I'm making cards to send to the troops. This is my input to the box that will be sent to them.

I decided to write a few things to put on cards that I have embossing folders for...a key and a clock. I had to step into the mind of a solider, thinking what they'd say to their spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, daughter, son, parents...

I'm surrounded by the military from just one man...my dad. When he came home from Vietnam, he, along with all the other guys, got spit on and booed. Such a disgrace to the heroes who fought for those peoples freedom. I can imagine where the bitterness and anger comes from. And why they suffer with PTSD. I've heard that roughly 22 veterans kill themselves a day; one every 65 seconds. It's so sad to me that what those men fought for, went unnoticed for years by those who chose to hate instead of love.

My dad suffers with PTSD. So do I. Not on the same level, but I suffer with it on a daily basis. There are days I want to be alone. There are days I want to be held and other days I don't want to be held or touched. I have a lot of triggers about my past. People say we shouldn't live in the past. I agree. But what about when we do? The triggers the military live with and the triggers I live with, aren't about present time; it's from the past. My dad can't watch fireworks anymore. I've seen him grow worse in this PTSD because when he was on the fire department, he worked with the guys who set them off at the fairgrounds. The slightest thing can trigger you it's like you're thrown backwards. Blackberries for me...a trigger. Whispering in my ear, a HUGE trigger. Rubbing my back...a HUGE trigger. Sometimes I'm okay with it, but when I'm not, my skin crawls and my stress level goes through the roof. I can understand the PTSD the military deals with every day.

This blog kinda went a different way than I thought it would. It was going to be a short one as well, but I guess I'm doing more thinking than not. On the way home from "work" this afternoon, I had my first thought in about three months about the book I'm writing. A scene for it came to mind and that made me happy. We'll see how it goes!

Well, it's 11:07 PM. I took my meds at 9ish and they're kicking in! I'm all packed for tomorrow! Now to sleep until my alarm goes off!

Have a great weekend! If you see a veteran, thank them for your freedom!

Jen

That word NO!

This morning started out with me being tired as I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. Took my meds a bit late and didn't get much more than 6 hours of sleep. Driving to Monmouth did me in. I had to close my eyes once we got to my mom's work. It's now 10:19 PM and I haven't taken them yet. I guess I should do that....be right back...okay, I'm back. 

So, after I woke up, I headed into the building. Today they had coffee & conversation and they always have donuts. Guess who loves those? Yep...me. I looked up the calorie count for a donut and it wasn't bad. So I had one. It was so good. Around 10:30, the lady I help with her speech came in and in the middle of us working together, I couldn't stop myself from getting another one. Guess who felt awful and good at the same time. Yep...me. But I knew I was sitting okay with calories. But still...really Jen? Really? 

I was done working with my friend at noon and my parents and I went and got a soda. I took my lunch today. I had a yummy chef salad, a sugar free jello, and carrots. For a snack I had a serving size of peanuts (3 Tbsp) and an apple. I was proud of myself for that lunch! I had a meeting at 1:00 and that was very productive. After that was over, I went and sat at the desk and answered the phone when it rang. For Christmas, I got a coloring book and a big container of Sharpies!! YAY!!! So I brought those to work with me and I sat there and colored; very therapeutic. 

So by this time, the donuts were cut in half and thankfully, all but one half was left. Guess who had that last half? Yep...me. The word NO wasn't in my vocab. So I wasted calories today. 

Card class was at 4:30 and mom and I headed home at 5:30. It had started raining and hard. Mom drove home and I think I should have. She agreed. But we made it and dinner was made shortly there after. Pancakes. I had three, with very light butter and strawberry jam. Later in the evening, I went back to coloring and finishing my coloring page. I've been having popcorn every night and tonight was no difference. I had some and then I called it quits. I did get my water in today...64oz! :) 

I'm only a week into this change of eating thing. I don't expect to get it right every single day. And I can tell you, I never went over my calorie budget. So even though I messed up and caved for the donuts, I did okay. I'm not beating myself up over it and I'm admitting to you my faults. So please, don't beat yourself up if you mess up. Tomorrow is always a new day to make better choices. Thank GOODNESS they only have coffee & conversation once a month! HA! 

Maybe by next month I'll have learned that word NO! 

Until next time...
Jen

Military Kids

I wrote this as a possible letter to the editor...please let me know what you think.

 I was recently at a potluck that had guest speakers. One of them asked for anyone who was in or is still in the military, and their wives or husbands, to raise their hands. I sat there and looked around. There were a few. But as I sat there, I thought about something. What about the kids who have suffered by having a military parent? The wives and husbands are thanked. For what? Dealing with the crap they come home with from war? Last I checked, kids have feelings too and they have to deal with the same thing. Often times, the kids are forgotten and life goes on without them being included. I grew up feeling this way on many levels. My dad worked hard to provide for his family; I don’t take that away from him. My dad was in the Marines for a total of six years, but he brought it home and lived it for many years and still does.

My reason for writing this letter is to hopefully open the eyes of those who need to realize their kids are suffering right along with them. Talk with your kids. If you were raised to not talk to your parent for whatever reason, throw that out the window. Kids are getting lost in the shuffle and in the end, you will lose them. And getting them back can be a very tough and long journey. Is it as important as your job? More so. I’m not saying you have to go to every single game or every single recital. I’m just urging you to talk with them, about anything.Spend time with them.Your kids should be a top priority to you. The choice is yours. But, it’s also your choice to throw your kids out of the way and live as if they don’t exist. 

Jennifer Gasper

Choices and Water

Every time your tummy grumbles, what do you think about? What you're hungry for? 

Now that I'm making better choices in food, my stomach thinks it's more hungry than it is. I know why it's talking to me and I continue to tell it it's going to live. Portion sizes have gone down as well as my choices in food. One thing I'm not doing, is stopping it from sweets. I can happily report that the want for them isn't there. 

Today was a very laid back day. A couple days ago I started getting a sore throat and a cough. I wasn't able to stay home and rest at all, so I decided today would work for it. We woke up early and then went back to sleep until 11:30. We got up and ate some brunch. Our neighbor came over and I ended up burning 3 DVDs of her pictures from her trip to Germany. After doing that, she stayed and we went through them while she told us what we were looking at. I was doing laundry at the time so while the DVDs burned, I would move the clothes around. I was just about falling asleep while our friend was telling us about Germany so after she left, I came into the living room and laid down. I covered up and snuggled in and in no time, I was out. 

I got up and did more laundry. I had three loads total. I had plans to do it throughout the week, but I was never able to get to it. It feels good to get it done, now I just have to fold it and put it all away! 

 I'm not one to push anything onto anyone and I stand by that. I simply live the life I need to and if someone wants to join me, by all means, go for it! A friend that works for my mom, started drinking more water. I told her I'd text her over the weekend to see how she's doing. I did that today and she said she wasn't doing very good. I told her what I do and I hope that'll help her! What do I do? Well, last week, I got a 32 oz diet Pepsi. I kept the cup and I use it for water. I know that two of them help me reach my goal of 64 oz a day. I noticed my dad is doing it as well. And ya know, it's okay if you don't reach it. One day you will, one day you won't. You cannot beat yourself up over it. Trust me, I've done that a lot and it doesn't help. I've learned it doesn't help because you'll have a tendency to think, "Well, I messed up on my water, I might as well mess up with my eating." No no no! Start slow. You got this! :) 

Today, my eating has been good. I'm still working on getting the protein. I need to get more of it. I was happy with my dinner. I had a bp&j sandwich. And guess what I learned? I measured out the jam, 1 Tbsp, the peanut butter (serving size is 2 Tbsp), I used ONE!!!! And it was PLENTY of both peanut butter AND jam!!! I was so happy! I had peanuts this morning and I used a measuring spoon and had the serving size. Let me tell ya, it wasn't a lot, but it was a good amount. I don't need to eat half a can. I also had some Simply White Cheddar Cheetos puffs. The serving size is 32. That is a lot of puffs! I was shocked! I also had a sugar free Jell-O cup as well as a no sugar added cup of peaches. It was a nice dinner! 

Even if you're not counting calories and still want to lose a pound or two or twenty or fifty, portion size. Instead of taking the bag of chips with you to the chair to watch TV, put some on a plate or in a bowl. I've heard it said that Diet soda is worse for you than the regular. Well guess what? There's no calories in Diet and there's NO SUGAR! I'm okay with that. But I've also decided to drink less soda. I had a diet Dr. Pepper with my dinner, but I've had  128 oz of water. So I kinda felt it was okay! I'm also ending the day with 930 calories left in my budget. I didn't do a lot of walking today, just busting my butt at laundry. But I'm okay with it because I needed the rest to feel better. 

So all in all, if you mess up one day, don't worry. Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to make better choices! I'm right there with you! We can do it! 

If you have some ideas to make things easier for me or anyone who may read this, please share! 

Have a wonderful Sunday! I'll write again soon! :) 

Remember me?

It's been a day or two since I last wrote! HA! It's been a couple years, three in October. So yeah, life went on and the weight loss journey stopped. A lot has happened since my last entry. I got married, as most of you know who may read this. 

My mom got a Fitbit for Christmas and that kind of got me thinking. She wanted me to get one so we could have a friendly competition. My parents bought me one and when it arrived on January 4th, I quickly put it on to charge and downloaded the App. I set it up and waited for it to be fully charged. It only takes two hours to be done. When I finally put it on my arm, I only took it off when I took a shower and put it on right after I was done and I take it off when I charge it. I've only had to charge it once since I got it.  

So I put it on the 4th and went about my daily life. I was in a very deep depression and my doctor put me on a new med so I was waiting for that to grab hold. I had it on a week and I got a few awesome things at church and that led me to doing a food chart on my Fitbit. I put in my weight, height and goal of what I want to weigh. I knew this was the time I'd finally be healthy. I've had peace in my heart ever since all this happened at my church. Saturday, the 9th, the women from our church had our monthly luncheon. We went to Murphy's in Dallas. I always get a hamburger with tater tots with a Mr. Pibb. I decided I didn't want a hamburger. I ordered a chef salad, but stuck with the Mr. Pibb. That was a very good salad. The next day, everyone from my church went to Murphy's for our annual Christmas lunch. This time, I decided to have the salad again, but I got iced tea to drink. And again, the salad was perfect. So I logged it in my phone and I decided then and there, no matter what I put in my mouth, I'm logging. 

I've kept that up to date ever since Sunday. That evening, my mom and I and a friend went to Waremart and we got the makings for salad, and a few sugar free treats I can have. So that evening, I made my lunch and took it with me on Monday. I also started logging the amount of water I take in each day. So on Tuesday, I made a failure move, but this is the difference between now and way back when. I didn't punish myself. I told myself I messed up and tomorrow was a new day. And it was and I did great the next day. Today however, I'm really low on what I ate. I'm allotted a certain amount of calories a day that it figured from my weight. So today I was allotted 2,861 and I had a total of 1,292. So I have 1,236 left in my daily budget. Am I hungry? Yes I am. But I did well with dinner. I had a chicken Caesar salad at Costco and I bought one for tomorrow's lunch. Normally, I'd get one of their swirl yogurts. I didn't today. 
Yesterday, Wednesday, my friend Sherry took me to lunch to thank me for all the help I've given her and I looked up what I could have at DQ. We headed there and I ordered their $5 lunch and had grilled chicken wraps. They were very good! I didn't eat my fries and I had a small swirl sundae. Now normally, I'd eat a hamburger, fries and have a small cookie dough blizzard. When I got back to my mom's work, I looked up the calories in a small cookie dough blizzard...710 calories. That is just crazy to me. So now I make better choices. And if my will fails, I know I can take a walk, drink more water...do anything to make it matter and know that the next day is new and I get another chance at being healthy. 

I told my counselor today that right now, I'm focusing on my eating and getting that down. I walk a lot more than I used to. I walk in place at times, but I might park a bit farther away. My mom and I took a walk on Tuesday after we got home from work. It was a good thing because that's the day I failed. The working out part will come. But I'm not rushing it and I'm taking it a day at a time. 

This time is more real than any other time. My head is in it and I'm not doing it for anyone but me. I have things I want to do in my life and those things will be easier to do if I'm a lot less in weight. 

This is my year! I hope you'll hang on with me and see where I end up! I'm excited and I feel more prepared this way. I think, a lot, before I buy a food item. I ask myself if I want to waste calories on it and more times than not, no, I don't. I'll use it in other ways. It's still a learning process, but life is a huge classroom. I'm here to learn and I'm here to win! 

Thank you for taking time to read this! I really appreciate it! Let me know if you read this! I'd really appreciate it! Thank you! :) 

Jen