Mother's Day

When I was about eight years old, I received my first cabbage patch kid. Long red hair, red checkered outfit and white shoes and socks. I remember looking at her scalp and seeing it was red, thinking how funny that was. At the age of ten, I received my first preemie cabbage patch kid. That year my birthday was on Easter. I remember I named her Connie; after my favorite 3rd grade teacher. I'm not sure of the age that I got my splash and play cabbage patch kid. All together, I had like 8. One was a pony and one was a cat. I still have the pony and all the dolls. But when I got my splash and play kid, everything changed in my make believe world. I could give her real baths because she had a hard body that could get wet. I named her my favorite one of all; Abigail. That is the name I wanted to name my daughter when the time would come.

As I grew older, life got harder to live and as I looked toward the future, I knew having children wasn't going to be my dream come true. At age 12, I started baby sitting. From then until I was 30, I took care of children. Some of them I keep in touch with and I love that I do. Others were too young and wouldn't remember me.

I never feared I would get pregnant. I never used anything to make me not. I just knew that with the depression I lived in for so long and being alone for even longer, I would leave this life never knowing how it feels to hold a brand new baby I gave birth to.

Working with children for so long, I had taken many classes that taught me a lot about the problems you could have giving birth at later ages; particularly over the age of 35. So, I gave myself to 35. I am now 40.

I know some will say, "You have Daisy." Yes, yes I do. And I love her, I do. There's just a big difference between a dog and a human life. Everyone always told me I'd make a great mom. I would have loved to believed them, but neither of us will ever know for sure...

Jen