Coloring?

I have been coloring for a major part of my life. It has always brought my anxiety down and made the depression a little bit lighter. But I've noticed that I color when I'm in some kind of emotional distress. I don't do it to avoid what I'm feeling, but making each stroke on the paper, in a bright color or a deep blue, helps calm me. But other times, I simply do it because it's something I really enjoy doing. Being a perfectionist, if I go out of the line, then I have a bit of a panic. It passes when I'm able to fix it. 

In 1994, I colored A LOT! That year was by far the worst one of my life.

I save all my coloring books and I'm kind of odd when it comes to my crayons. I like them new! I never use the sharpener on the back of the box. I usually get the 96 count of Crayola crayons! That's another thing, I ONLY use Crayola art supplies, except of course, Sharpies! I got a big box of them for Christmas!  But when my main colors of crayons are in need of sharpening, I buy the 24 count box and replace them. The coloring pencils I have are in a box like crayons. I like those as well. I use them a lot with my card making and coloring. 

When I was a Pre-K teacher, I would have a time for art and I'd always color. Well, the kids always loved to color with me and wanted to color just like me! I had a lot of pictures on my wall that they gave me! Oh how I miss that! 

I have a friend, Crystal, who colors beautifully. I wish I could color like her. I guess I'm just not very good at being artistic with coloring. My niece, Logan, likes to trace in markers and color in with crayons. She does a great job! 

As you know, they now have books out for Adult coloring. I find it odd that all the sudden it's cool to color as an adult, but perhaps frowned upon in the teen years. In all the years I've lived in depression, coloring has always been my way to express my feelings. I, in no way, can draw. I doodle, but very plain at that. My parents got me a very nice Butterfly coloring book for Christmas as well as the Sharpies. I LOVE quotes, so I did a Google search for adult quote coloring pages and I printed quite a few. I've done three today so far. I think I'm done for the day...keyword think. 

So how about you? Do you color? Did you grow up loving it? How do you feel about it coming back for adults? At my mom's work, they're having an Adult Coloring day. I hope a lot show up! 

I guess this was a boring entry! I've been thinking about it all day, so now it's out there and ready for you to read! :) 

Have a great first week of February! 

Jen

A much needed time with friends!

Tomorrow morning, Saturday, I'm going to spend 5ish hours with a few friends! I kinda have my own line of greeting cards. But tomorrow, my cards will be a bit more simple, but hopefully received with a smile. I'm making cards to send to the troops. This is my input to the box that will be sent to them.

I decided to write a few things to put on cards that I have embossing folders for...a key and a clock. I had to step into the mind of a solider, thinking what they'd say to their spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, daughter, son, parents...

I'm surrounded by the military from just one man...my dad. When he came home from Vietnam, he, along with all the other guys, got spit on and booed. Such a disgrace to the heroes who fought for those peoples freedom. I can imagine where the bitterness and anger comes from. And why they suffer with PTSD. I've heard that roughly 22 veterans kill themselves a day; one every 65 seconds. It's so sad to me that what those men fought for, went unnoticed for years by those who chose to hate instead of love.

My dad suffers with PTSD. So do I. Not on the same level, but I suffer with it on a daily basis. There are days I want to be alone. There are days I want to be held and other days I don't want to be held or touched. I have a lot of triggers about my past. People say we shouldn't live in the past. I agree. But what about when we do? The triggers the military live with and the triggers I live with, aren't about present time; it's from the past. My dad can't watch fireworks anymore. I've seen him grow worse in this PTSD because when he was on the fire department, he worked with the guys who set them off at the fairgrounds. The slightest thing can trigger you it's like you're thrown backwards. Blackberries for me...a trigger. Whispering in my ear, a HUGE trigger. Rubbing my back...a HUGE trigger. Sometimes I'm okay with it, but when I'm not, my skin crawls and my stress level goes through the roof. I can understand the PTSD the military deals with every day.

This blog kinda went a different way than I thought it would. It was going to be a short one as well, but I guess I'm doing more thinking than not. On the way home from "work" this afternoon, I had my first thought in about three months about the book I'm writing. A scene for it came to mind and that made me happy. We'll see how it goes!

Well, it's 11:07 PM. I took my meds at 9ish and they're kicking in! I'm all packed for tomorrow! Now to sleep until my alarm goes off!

Have a great weekend! If you see a veteran, thank them for your freedom!

Jen

That word NO!

This morning started out with me being tired as I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. Took my meds a bit late and didn't get much more than 6 hours of sleep. Driving to Monmouth did me in. I had to close my eyes once we got to my mom's work. It's now 10:19 PM and I haven't taken them yet. I guess I should do that....be right back...okay, I'm back. 

So, after I woke up, I headed into the building. Today they had coffee & conversation and they always have donuts. Guess who loves those? Yep...me. I looked up the calorie count for a donut and it wasn't bad. So I had one. It was so good. Around 10:30, the lady I help with her speech came in and in the middle of us working together, I couldn't stop myself from getting another one. Guess who felt awful and good at the same time. Yep...me. But I knew I was sitting okay with calories. But still...really Jen? Really? 

I was done working with my friend at noon and my parents and I went and got a soda. I took my lunch today. I had a yummy chef salad, a sugar free jello, and carrots. For a snack I had a serving size of peanuts (3 Tbsp) and an apple. I was proud of myself for that lunch! I had a meeting at 1:00 and that was very productive. After that was over, I went and sat at the desk and answered the phone when it rang. For Christmas, I got a coloring book and a big container of Sharpies!! YAY!!! So I brought those to work with me and I sat there and colored; very therapeutic. 

So by this time, the donuts were cut in half and thankfully, all but one half was left. Guess who had that last half? Yep...me. The word NO wasn't in my vocab. So I wasted calories today. 

Card class was at 4:30 and mom and I headed home at 5:30. It had started raining and hard. Mom drove home and I think I should have. She agreed. But we made it and dinner was made shortly there after. Pancakes. I had three, with very light butter and strawberry jam. Later in the evening, I went back to coloring and finishing my coloring page. I've been having popcorn every night and tonight was no difference. I had some and then I called it quits. I did get my water in today...64oz! :) 

I'm only a week into this change of eating thing. I don't expect to get it right every single day. And I can tell you, I never went over my calorie budget. So even though I messed up and caved for the donuts, I did okay. I'm not beating myself up over it and I'm admitting to you my faults. So please, don't beat yourself up if you mess up. Tomorrow is always a new day to make better choices. Thank GOODNESS they only have coffee & conversation once a month! HA! 

Maybe by next month I'll have learned that word NO! 

Until next time...
Jen

Military Kids

I wrote this as a possible letter to the editor...please let me know what you think.

 I was recently at a potluck that had guest speakers. One of them asked for anyone who was in or is still in the military, and their wives or husbands, to raise their hands. I sat there and looked around. There were a few. But as I sat there, I thought about something. What about the kids who have suffered by having a military parent? The wives and husbands are thanked. For what? Dealing with the crap they come home with from war? Last I checked, kids have feelings too and they have to deal with the same thing. Often times, the kids are forgotten and life goes on without them being included. I grew up feeling this way on many levels. My dad worked hard to provide for his family; I don’t take that away from him. My dad was in the Marines for a total of six years, but he brought it home and lived it for many years and still does.

My reason for writing this letter is to hopefully open the eyes of those who need to realize their kids are suffering right along with them. Talk with your kids. If you were raised to not talk to your parent for whatever reason, throw that out the window. Kids are getting lost in the shuffle and in the end, you will lose them. And getting them back can be a very tough and long journey. Is it as important as your job? More so. I’m not saying you have to go to every single game or every single recital. I’m just urging you to talk with them, about anything.Spend time with them.Your kids should be a top priority to you. The choice is yours. But, it’s also your choice to throw your kids out of the way and live as if they don’t exist. 

Jennifer Gasper

Choices and Water

Every time your tummy grumbles, what do you think about? What you're hungry for? 

Now that I'm making better choices in food, my stomach thinks it's more hungry than it is. I know why it's talking to me and I continue to tell it it's going to live. Portion sizes have gone down as well as my choices in food. One thing I'm not doing, is stopping it from sweets. I can happily report that the want for them isn't there. 

Today was a very laid back day. A couple days ago I started getting a sore throat and a cough. I wasn't able to stay home and rest at all, so I decided today would work for it. We woke up early and then went back to sleep until 11:30. We got up and ate some brunch. Our neighbor came over and I ended up burning 3 DVDs of her pictures from her trip to Germany. After doing that, she stayed and we went through them while she told us what we were looking at. I was doing laundry at the time so while the DVDs burned, I would move the clothes around. I was just about falling asleep while our friend was telling us about Germany so after she left, I came into the living room and laid down. I covered up and snuggled in and in no time, I was out. 

I got up and did more laundry. I had three loads total. I had plans to do it throughout the week, but I was never able to get to it. It feels good to get it done, now I just have to fold it and put it all away! 

 I'm not one to push anything onto anyone and I stand by that. I simply live the life I need to and if someone wants to join me, by all means, go for it! A friend that works for my mom, started drinking more water. I told her I'd text her over the weekend to see how she's doing. I did that today and she said she wasn't doing very good. I told her what I do and I hope that'll help her! What do I do? Well, last week, I got a 32 oz diet Pepsi. I kept the cup and I use it for water. I know that two of them help me reach my goal of 64 oz a day. I noticed my dad is doing it as well. And ya know, it's okay if you don't reach it. One day you will, one day you won't. You cannot beat yourself up over it. Trust me, I've done that a lot and it doesn't help. I've learned it doesn't help because you'll have a tendency to think, "Well, I messed up on my water, I might as well mess up with my eating." No no no! Start slow. You got this! :) 

Today, my eating has been good. I'm still working on getting the protein. I need to get more of it. I was happy with my dinner. I had a bp&j sandwich. And guess what I learned? I measured out the jam, 1 Tbsp, the peanut butter (serving size is 2 Tbsp), I used ONE!!!! And it was PLENTY of both peanut butter AND jam!!! I was so happy! I had peanuts this morning and I used a measuring spoon and had the serving size. Let me tell ya, it wasn't a lot, but it was a good amount. I don't need to eat half a can. I also had some Simply White Cheddar Cheetos puffs. The serving size is 32. That is a lot of puffs! I was shocked! I also had a sugar free Jell-O cup as well as a no sugar added cup of peaches. It was a nice dinner! 

Even if you're not counting calories and still want to lose a pound or two or twenty or fifty, portion size. Instead of taking the bag of chips with you to the chair to watch TV, put some on a plate or in a bowl. I've heard it said that Diet soda is worse for you than the regular. Well guess what? There's no calories in Diet and there's NO SUGAR! I'm okay with that. But I've also decided to drink less soda. I had a diet Dr. Pepper with my dinner, but I've had  128 oz of water. So I kinda felt it was okay! I'm also ending the day with 930 calories left in my budget. I didn't do a lot of walking today, just busting my butt at laundry. But I'm okay with it because I needed the rest to feel better. 

So all in all, if you mess up one day, don't worry. Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to make better choices! I'm right there with you! We can do it! 

If you have some ideas to make things easier for me or anyone who may read this, please share! 

Have a wonderful Sunday! I'll write again soon! :) 

Remember me?

It's been a day or two since I last wrote! HA! It's been a couple years, three in October. So yeah, life went on and the weight loss journey stopped. A lot has happened since my last entry. I got married, as most of you know who may read this. 

My mom got a Fitbit for Christmas and that kind of got me thinking. She wanted me to get one so we could have a friendly competition. My parents bought me one and when it arrived on January 4th, I quickly put it on to charge and downloaded the App. I set it up and waited for it to be fully charged. It only takes two hours to be done. When I finally put it on my arm, I only took it off when I took a shower and put it on right after I was done and I take it off when I charge it. I've only had to charge it once since I got it.  

So I put it on the 4th and went about my daily life. I was in a very deep depression and my doctor put me on a new med so I was waiting for that to grab hold. I had it on a week and I got a few awesome things at church and that led me to doing a food chart on my Fitbit. I put in my weight, height and goal of what I want to weigh. I knew this was the time I'd finally be healthy. I've had peace in my heart ever since all this happened at my church. Saturday, the 9th, the women from our church had our monthly luncheon. We went to Murphy's in Dallas. I always get a hamburger with tater tots with a Mr. Pibb. I decided I didn't want a hamburger. I ordered a chef salad, but stuck with the Mr. Pibb. That was a very good salad. The next day, everyone from my church went to Murphy's for our annual Christmas lunch. This time, I decided to have the salad again, but I got iced tea to drink. And again, the salad was perfect. So I logged it in my phone and I decided then and there, no matter what I put in my mouth, I'm logging. 

I've kept that up to date ever since Sunday. That evening, my mom and I and a friend went to Waremart and we got the makings for salad, and a few sugar free treats I can have. So that evening, I made my lunch and took it with me on Monday. I also started logging the amount of water I take in each day. So on Tuesday, I made a failure move, but this is the difference between now and way back when. I didn't punish myself. I told myself I messed up and tomorrow was a new day. And it was and I did great the next day. Today however, I'm really low on what I ate. I'm allotted a certain amount of calories a day that it figured from my weight. So today I was allotted 2,861 and I had a total of 1,292. So I have 1,236 left in my daily budget. Am I hungry? Yes I am. But I did well with dinner. I had a chicken Caesar salad at Costco and I bought one for tomorrow's lunch. Normally, I'd get one of their swirl yogurts. I didn't today. 
Yesterday, Wednesday, my friend Sherry took me to lunch to thank me for all the help I've given her and I looked up what I could have at DQ. We headed there and I ordered their $5 lunch and had grilled chicken wraps. They were very good! I didn't eat my fries and I had a small swirl sundae. Now normally, I'd eat a hamburger, fries and have a small cookie dough blizzard. When I got back to my mom's work, I looked up the calories in a small cookie dough blizzard...710 calories. That is just crazy to me. So now I make better choices. And if my will fails, I know I can take a walk, drink more water...do anything to make it matter and know that the next day is new and I get another chance at being healthy. 

I told my counselor today that right now, I'm focusing on my eating and getting that down. I walk a lot more than I used to. I walk in place at times, but I might park a bit farther away. My mom and I took a walk on Tuesday after we got home from work. It was a good thing because that's the day I failed. The working out part will come. But I'm not rushing it and I'm taking it a day at a time. 

This time is more real than any other time. My head is in it and I'm not doing it for anyone but me. I have things I want to do in my life and those things will be easier to do if I'm a lot less in weight. 

This is my year! I hope you'll hang on with me and see where I end up! I'm excited and I feel more prepared this way. I think, a lot, before I buy a food item. I ask myself if I want to waste calories on it and more times than not, no, I don't. I'll use it in other ways. It's still a learning process, but life is a huge classroom. I'm here to learn and I'm here to win! 

Thank you for taking time to read this! I really appreciate it! Let me know if you read this! I'd really appreciate it! Thank you! :) 

Jen