Saturday, July 16, 2016 @ 1:28 a.m.
The last few months have been very trying. In June I lost one of my second cousins. I have nine second cousins. The one I lost; his photo is on our fridge and when I see it, my heart hurts. He was just 19 years old and when I found out, my cousin and her husband rammed into my heart. I hurt, I hurt for their loss. I thought of my Aunt, her grandson. I thought of my other cousin, her nephew. To my two second cousins, their brother. All of my family on my mom's side came to the service, only a few were missing. But his death has yet to leave me. I don't know if I would classify it as grieving, but it just...I've been there. I've stood at that cliff. That cliff has my name carved into the ground, my foot prints, forever pressed into the dirt. I think of my cousin and my heart hurts.
Since moving out, my parents have been such a huge support to us. I am forever grateful for their love and the support they've given us. Each month they help us with groceries from Costco. They share their toilet paper as they get the huge pack from Costco. There are not enough ways for me to thank them. Before I was ever close to even getting married, I told myself I didn't want my parents to have to help me. Well, I guess that didn't happen. I NEVER expect anything my parents do for us. By all means, they shouldn't have to help us, but their hearts are so big and I know their blessed for all they do, because I'm eternally blessed to have them as my parents.
Since 7th grade, I've lived in a very dark world of depression. There were times where the sun broke through the gray fog, and for those days, I'm thankful. My self-confidence was never higher than an inch off the ground. The events that happened in my life left me with a world of guilt on my shoulders. I took the blame for everything. I saw the outcome of my action and I never felt like I deserved to be alive. Many tried to convince me it wasn't my fault. I tried, I tried to believe them. But when you're 10 years old and the actions of others that were thrown at me, it left a huge impression in my mind and on my heart. I'm a donor. But I always wanted to let them know somehow, to not give my heart. It's so broken and hurt and injured and barely giving me life, no one deserves to have that kind of heart.
Here's another thing, I'm a born again God fearing Christian. I have been my whole life. There have been times when I'm on fire and wanting to spend as much time as I can with God. For those of you who are also Believers, I'm sure you're asking, how could you be a Christian and live in such an awful world. It's a great question. And the only answer I have is, I've not believed I deserved to be loved by God. With the guilt and shame already weighing down on me, I just felt like I didn't deserve His love. There are still times I think that way. But I know God has a plan for my life. I turned 40 in April and it was so hard for me. But the love of my family and friends made it a bit easier. I never planned to live this long. When I first got on OHP, I picked a doctor I wanted to see and one of the first things I told him, "I don't plan on living to see 40." He looked at me and said, "You need to change the way you think." I looked down at my hands in my lap and I thought, "Good luck doc." But here I am...a 40 year old who has nothing to show for her life. I married Terry when I was 38. I wanted to be a mom, but I knew I couldn't bring a baby into the world I hated. I know I would have failed him or her. So, my Abigail is up there in Heaven. Maybe I'll get her when I go to Heaven.
I'm watching a HBO show called Kindergarten. I LOVE this show. I think because that is what I was going to college for in Indiana before I moved back home. When I moved back to Oregon, I quickly got a job in a Pre-K class in a daycare. I had about 10 students and I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!! But I was 28 years old. I was ready to challenge anything that may come my way. My parents loved me just as their child did. And I loved each child I had. Sadly, I lost one of my students from back then. Very sad indeed.
I'm not telling you all this for your pity. Quite the contrary. It was a very hard day on Friday. From 2:00 on. I made a good dinner, cleaned up the kitchen. Tomorrow I'm tackling the horribly dirty bathroom. The floor needs vacuumed. I need to dust. I'm also hoping to go to some garage sales with my mom. She came and picked me up after she got off work and we went to about five sales. I hit the jackpot with getting a new office chair for $3.00. I used it tonight as I worked on my resume and reference page. Along with a few other things I need. I'll fill those out tomorrow, well, later today. It's now 2:13. I can feel my medication starting to take over my mind and body. I'm sitting here watching TV and writing this at the same time.
The word of advice I can give to you...never judge someone because of how they are. You never know what someone is going through. Your kindness could save a life. Your judgement could take a life. Please be careful how you are. I don't want to lose any of you. So please, stay safe and know that I love with my whole heart. I'm just hoping for a great weekend...
Good night, good morning....2:20 a.m.
Jen
