It's been too long

Saturday, July 16, 2016 @ 1:28 a.m.

The last few months have been very trying. In June I lost one of my second cousins. I have nine second cousins. The one I lost; his photo is on our fridge and when I see it, my heart hurts. He was just 19 years old and when I found out, my cousin and her husband rammed into my heart. I hurt, I hurt for their loss. I thought of my Aunt, her grandson. I thought of my other cousin, her nephew. To my two second cousins, their brother. All of my family on my mom's side came to the service, only a few were missing. But his death has yet to leave me. I don't know if I would classify it as grieving, but it just...I've been there. I've stood at that cliff. That cliff has my name carved into the ground, my foot prints, forever pressed into the dirt. I think of my cousin and my heart hurts.

Since moving out, my parents have been such a huge support to us. I am forever grateful for their love and the support they've given us. Each month they help us with groceries from Costco. They share their toilet paper as they get the huge pack from Costco. There are not enough ways for me to thank them. Before I was ever close to even getting married, I told myself I didn't want my parents to have to help me. Well, I guess that didn't happen. I NEVER expect anything my parents do for us. By all means, they shouldn't have to help us, but their hearts are so big and I know their blessed for all they do, because I'm eternally blessed to have them as my parents.

Since 7th grade, I've lived in a very dark world of depression. There were times where the sun broke through the gray fog, and for those days, I'm thankful. My self-confidence was never higher than an inch off the ground. The events that happened in my life left me with a world of guilt on my shoulders. I took the blame for everything. I saw the outcome of my action and I never felt like I deserved to be alive. Many tried to convince me it wasn't my fault. I tried, I tried to believe them. But when you're 10 years old and the actions of others that were thrown at me, it left a huge impression in my mind and on my heart. I'm a donor. But I always wanted to let them know somehow, to not give my heart. It's so broken and hurt and injured and barely giving me life, no one deserves to have that kind of heart.

Here's another thing, I'm a born again God fearing Christian. I have been my whole life. There have been times when I'm on fire and wanting to spend as much time as I can with God. For those of you who are also Believers, I'm sure you're asking, how could you be a Christian and live in such an awful world. It's a great question. And the only answer I have is, I've not believed I deserved to be loved by God. With the guilt and shame already weighing down on me, I just felt like I didn't deserve His love. There are still times I think that way. But I know God has a plan for my life. I turned 40 in April and it was so hard for me. But the love of my family and friends made it a bit easier. I never planned to live this long. When I first got on OHP, I picked a doctor I wanted to see and one of the first things I told him, "I don't plan on living to see 40." He looked at me and said, "You need to change the way you think." I looked down at my hands in my lap and I thought, "Good luck doc." But here I am...a 40 year old who has nothing to show for her life. I married Terry when I was 38. I wanted to be a mom, but I knew I couldn't bring a baby into the world I hated. I know I would have failed him or her. So, my Abigail is up there in Heaven. Maybe I'll get her when I go to Heaven.

I'm watching a HBO show called Kindergarten. I LOVE this show. I think because that is what I was going to college for in Indiana before I moved back home. When I moved back to Oregon, I quickly got a job in a Pre-K class in a daycare. I had about 10 students and I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!! But I was 28 years old. I was ready to challenge anything that may come my way. My parents loved me just as their child did. And I loved each child I had. Sadly, I lost one of my students from back then. Very sad indeed.

I'm not telling you all this for your pity. Quite the contrary. It was a very hard day on Friday. From 2:00 on. I made a good dinner, cleaned up the kitchen. Tomorrow I'm tackling the horribly dirty bathroom. The floor needs vacuumed. I need to dust. I'm also hoping to go to some garage sales with my mom. She came and picked me up after she got off work and we went to about five sales. I hit the jackpot with getting a new office chair for $3.00. I used it tonight as I worked on my resume and reference page. Along with a few other things I need. I'll fill those out tomorrow, well, later today. It's now 2:13. I can feel my medication starting to take over my mind and body. I'm sitting here watching TV and writing this at the same time.

The word of advice I can give to you...never judge someone because of how they are. You never know what someone is going through. Your kindness could save a life. Your judgement could take a life. Please be careful how you are. I don't want to lose any of you. So please, stay safe and know that I love with my whole heart. I'm just hoping for a great weekend...

Good night, good morning....2:20 a.m.

Jen

Mother's Day

When I was about eight years old, I received my first cabbage patch kid. Long red hair, red checkered outfit and white shoes and socks. I remember looking at her scalp and seeing it was red, thinking how funny that was. At the age of ten, I received my first preemie cabbage patch kid. That year my birthday was on Easter. I remember I named her Connie; after my favorite 3rd grade teacher. I'm not sure of the age that I got my splash and play cabbage patch kid. All together, I had like 8. One was a pony and one was a cat. I still have the pony and all the dolls. But when I got my splash and play kid, everything changed in my make believe world. I could give her real baths because she had a hard body that could get wet. I named her my favorite one of all; Abigail. That is the name I wanted to name my daughter when the time would come.

As I grew older, life got harder to live and as I looked toward the future, I knew having children wasn't going to be my dream come true. At age 12, I started baby sitting. From then until I was 30, I took care of children. Some of them I keep in touch with and I love that I do. Others were too young and wouldn't remember me.

I never feared I would get pregnant. I never used anything to make me not. I just knew that with the depression I lived in for so long and being alone for even longer, I would leave this life never knowing how it feels to hold a brand new baby I gave birth to.

Working with children for so long, I had taken many classes that taught me a lot about the problems you could have giving birth at later ages; particularly over the age of 35. So, I gave myself to 35. I am now 40.

I know some will say, "You have Daisy." Yes, yes I do. And I love her, I do. There's just a big difference between a dog and a human life. Everyone always told me I'd make a great mom. I would have loved to believed them, but neither of us will ever know for sure...

Jen

A great time had by all

Saturday started out nicely as we were able to sleep in a bit. My mom called and woke us up at 10. So we got up and ate some breakfast. Around 1:00, we headed over to my parents house. My brother and his wife are here visiting from Idaho. It's so great seeing them! It feels like forever since I last saw them. We hooked Daisy outside when we got there so she could enjoy the sun. My nephew was there washing my parents' vehicles. He does great work. My niece and the little girl she takes care of came over next. That was a lot of fun! The little one she watches is 1 1/2 years old. SO cute!! My other brother and his girlfriend came over and then my oldest niece and her boyfriend came over. That was the best time I've had in a very long time in a family setting! Amazing when you take away and add, how right that makes things! A lot of laughter and that was helpful! We left at around 9:00.

I think Daisy has learned she has her own home and Grandma and Grandpa's is just a place to visit now. But when my mom comes for lunch during the week, I'll open the door and Daisy gets SOOOO excited!!! She piddles as she jumps in pure excitement! So when we're at their house for a while, we'll look at her and ask her if she's ready to go. Her ears will perk up and she'll run to the door. It's cute!

This morning we left her at home, alone for the first time since she ripped up the carpet. I put up the garbage cans in the bathroom and bedroom up and left the doors open. I prayed for her and we prayed for her at church. We went to Walmart and by my parent's after church. We got home around 2:00. I opened the door gently and walked in slowly. I did a walk through and found the place just as we left it. I gave her a new treat we got her. We are so proud of her! So I unloaded everything and put things away and then found our baseball game on TV. The Giants were playing the last game in their three game series with the NY Mets. WE WON! I took a nap after that was over. I woke when my mom called me at 7:50 PM.

This new medication I'm on, my doctor said it is a weight loss pill as well. I can see why. You don't have a want for anything. I had cereal for dinner. Yep, that's pretty normal.

So yeah, Saturday was one of my favorite days! I got to spend it with my husband and my wonderful family! I know it can't happen all the time, but when it does, I cherish it.


Have a great Monday!

Jen

Living a new life

On March 12, my husband, Terry, and myself, moved into our beautiful two bedroom apartment. We've made it our home and like most who move in, we're still not fully moved in. My craft room still needs to be moved over. We just need the right people on the right nice weekend. It will work out.

This is the first time I've been in my own place with a husband. When I lived in Indiana, I moved into someone else's house and I wasn't the cook. I didn't know I could cook and he didn't give me the chance to try. I kept the house clean, but we lived mostly in the loft. So living here with Terry is TOTALLY different. And SOOOOOO much better! :)

So we've been here since March 12th. I'm back to being a total night owl. The latest I've gone to bed is 3:30 am. I don't know. I blame it on being born at night. haha! But when I wake up, I put my feet on the ground and I try to stay busy until I go to bed. There are times, often, that I take a nap during the day. I tried today, but we were watching the NFL Draft. And all I could think about was the time and the amount it would take to wash the current dishes and start dinner and how long it would take to make it. So I got up and got to work.

So this was our dinner tonight! I made it a few weeks ago, too, but used a different seasoning. Both were great! Terry asked me why I doubt my cooking. I responded with, "I doubt everything I do." But I was glad he enjoyed it. I try and make a good dinner a few nights a week. He really enjoys spaghetti and that's nice and easy to make. I also like to make Mac-n-Cheese with hot dogs. LOVE this meal! The one I'm not good at is sides. Both Terry and I are picky eaters. Everything I do is simple. Terry doesn't complain so I guess it's okay! I feel bad when I don't make a meal every night. But like Wednesdays, we're at my parents' house. Not sure we will be now though since Terry's done bowling in the league. So I need to think of some other things to make that we'll both like. 

I not only cook, I'm also keeping flowers alive outside and if you know me, this is a big deal. Two wonderful friends blessed me with my favorite flowers! But they're both doing well, so I'm happy! I also keep the apartment clean and organized. I had to bring the manager in on Monday to see the damage Daisy did on Friday and I was hoping it was clean enough. I'm sure it was. Because we were suppose to get important visitors on Thursday so I cleaned this place top to bottom. They ended up not coming so...we had a clean home! 

So my role has changed from living at home to just Terry and I and Daisy and I'm totally okay with it. I'm still helping Chris with her speech. She comes here now and it's SO much better. I teach an ASL class at the Senior Center Wednesday mornings from 9-10. Writing class Friday mornings. So I stay busy, but it's good. I rest at night. Now I just need to find the time to read. I have SO many books to read and I have a book to work on too. I need to learn to organize my time. Any of you guys have tips on how to do that? :) 

It is now Friday morning...12:01 am. My meds are kicking in and I have to be up for writing class. Have a great Friday and weekend! :) 

It's the little things

My journey to find Jen is moving right along! The past couple of days have been hard on the self-control. Someone brought chocolates to my mom's work, where I am everyday. My goal is to eat zero tomorrow. I stay in my calorie count, but I don't want to use my calories on crap. Just like I don't want to drink my calories. In the mornings, my dry mouth is so horrible, I drink 6oz of Pepsi and that cuts it. I drink water just about all day, except for my Diet Dr. Pepper at lunch and even then I don't usually drink it all. 

So the last week or so I've been noticing little changes that I can do, but couldn't a few weeks ago! One way is when I'm drying off from a shower, I can reach farther and it's so much easier to dry off. I noticed that I can get up from chairs easier. On Sunday, I was at the nursing home we have a church service at and I sat down in the chair. I sat down, fully, in the chair. I haven't been able to put my whole body in the chair. I sat there in complete awe...I looked at my mom and said, "Mom!! Look! I'm sitting ALL THE WAY in the chair." My back was against the back of the chair...I was SO happy!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

This morning when I got dressed, before I started this weight loss, I would have to sit down to put my left leg in the pants. Today I put the right leg in and the left leg in...while standing. I WAS STANDING AND PUT MY PANTS ON LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To say I was excited is an understatement! 

I don't know if you've ever experienced anything that I'm writing about, and that's okay, but when I'm lying in bed, I FEEL smaller. I don't know how the weight is doing as I'm only weighed when I see my doctor once a month, but I know I KNOW I'm losing inches like mad! The pants I wore today, I've been wearing for a while. But they're getting more loose in the legs and tummy area. 

In a couple weeks, I'm hoping we are moving to our new home! It's only an apartment, but to me, it's our home! I'm very excited to have our own place and our life together. I know Terry is more than ready! 

So yeah, the little things in this journey are so exciting!! When someone hugs me, they can feel a difference and that makes me happy too! 

My battery is getting low so I better post this and share it with you guys! Have a great rest of your week! 

Until next time...

Jen :) 

God is GOOD!!

Today it's a cloudy Monday morning on President's Day. I'm sitting on the couch watching Walker Texas Ranger. As I sit here, I'm wearing my yoga pants (LOVE THEM), a t-shirt and a black sweatshirt. No big deal right? The sweatshirt I'm wearing, could not be worn a year ago.

January 10, 2016, I started the eating plan on my Fitbit. I simply count my calories and with doing that, a lot changed in my life. Some of you won't understand this, and that's okay, but through my Pastor, God told me the weight would start falling off me. I received that RIGHT AWAY and so far, I've lost 4 lbs and a LOT of inches!

Last night I was writing in my journal and the subject of jeans came up. I don't have many. And I remembered Terry had gotten me a black pair. I started looking through stuff and found a couple sweatshirts, shirts and my tank tops!! So this morning, when I woke up, I saw the sweatshirt. I thought, "Oh for giggles let's see how it fits." PRIOR to this, when I first got it, I put my arms in it and I knew then, there was no way it was going to fit. So this morning, I put my arms in it and I was shocked. I put it on and THERE WAS ROOM IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I went into my mom's room and I said, "Mom! Remember this sweatshirt??? It didn't fit when we got it." I pulled the sides out and said, "LOOK!!!!" I was and still am in shock! I'm wearing it and it feels SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good!! I'm not one to wear tight clothing. I'll buy a size up so I'm comfortable. But to know this fits and I can wear it with NO problem....I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The smile has yet to leave my face! :) :) :) :)

I can do things I haven't been able to do in a long time!!!! And it feels SOOOOO good!!!!! I tell ya, I saw some cute clothes last night in Fred Meyer in Tillamook and instead of getting depressed about not being able to wear them, I just said, "I'll be wearing that in no time!" My outlook on life is way better than it EVER has been!!Now I just need to find my black jeans!! 

The other awesome thing I'm going to write about is the miracle of Terry and I getting our apartment! God has given us His favor and proved His love to both of us as this all came to life! In a couple weeks, Terry and I will make our new apartment home! I am so excited to move out and get on our own! It's past time, BUT, it's all in God's timing! 

My mom is doing awesome with her arm now. And she doesn't need me like she did when she first broke it. I'll still take her to her last couple of PT appointments. We're moving to Monmouth! There are many things I'm excited about with living there! The only hard part will be everything we do is in Dallas! But we're away enough to breathe and be on our own! I told my mom she can come visit anytime. So can dad. But we may need to get some furniture first. We lack in that. Although we may have a couch. My mom and Aunt Dode is so excited to come help me unpack and decorate! 

So in the end, God has met our needs and I've learned to wait on Him. Because when I do, He blesses me beyond belief! As many times as I've turned my back to hurt who I am, He has always been there when I turned around and needed to be held. He's so patient with me and I am beyond thankful for that! 

I hope this blog put a smile on your face at some point! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coloring?

I have been coloring for a major part of my life. It has always brought my anxiety down and made the depression a little bit lighter. But I've noticed that I color when I'm in some kind of emotional distress. I don't do it to avoid what I'm feeling, but making each stroke on the paper, in a bright color or a deep blue, helps calm me. But other times, I simply do it because it's something I really enjoy doing. Being a perfectionist, if I go out of the line, then I have a bit of a panic. It passes when I'm able to fix it. 

In 1994, I colored A LOT! That year was by far the worst one of my life.

I save all my coloring books and I'm kind of odd when it comes to my crayons. I like them new! I never use the sharpener on the back of the box. I usually get the 96 count of Crayola crayons! That's another thing, I ONLY use Crayola art supplies, except of course, Sharpies! I got a big box of them for Christmas!  But when my main colors of crayons are in need of sharpening, I buy the 24 count box and replace them. The coloring pencils I have are in a box like crayons. I like those as well. I use them a lot with my card making and coloring. 

When I was a Pre-K teacher, I would have a time for art and I'd always color. Well, the kids always loved to color with me and wanted to color just like me! I had a lot of pictures on my wall that they gave me! Oh how I miss that! 

I have a friend, Crystal, who colors beautifully. I wish I could color like her. I guess I'm just not very good at being artistic with coloring. My niece, Logan, likes to trace in markers and color in with crayons. She does a great job! 

As you know, they now have books out for Adult coloring. I find it odd that all the sudden it's cool to color as an adult, but perhaps frowned upon in the teen years. In all the years I've lived in depression, coloring has always been my way to express my feelings. I, in no way, can draw. I doodle, but very plain at that. My parents got me a very nice Butterfly coloring book for Christmas as well as the Sharpies. I LOVE quotes, so I did a Google search for adult quote coloring pages and I printed quite a few. I've done three today so far. I think I'm done for the day...keyword think. 

So how about you? Do you color? Did you grow up loving it? How do you feel about it coming back for adults? At my mom's work, they're having an Adult Coloring day. I hope a lot show up! 

I guess this was a boring entry! I've been thinking about it all day, so now it's out there and ready for you to read! :) 

Have a great first week of February! 

Jen