Road Block

Yesterday, Thursday, began on a good note! I went into the gym and did my routine and when I got to the leg press, I couldn't remember which weights my trainer used, so I put on two 45 lb weights and two 35 lb weights. The press alone is 65 lbs. If you add that up, 225 lbs. Thirty-six reps at 225 lbs. Yes, I did it, but I quickly learned that wasn't the right amount! So today, I went back down to 175 lbs. 

After leaving the gym, I decided to go to the Dr. and get weighed. When I stood on the scale, my nurse's face turned into a HUGE happy face! She came back and lifted up six fingers! It's the end of August now (hard to believe right) and I've lost a total of 7 lbs. In July I lost 15. So two months of working out daily and eating better has dropped me 22 lbs. That is a good healthy loss I think and have been told. Let's hope September can be just a tad bit better! :) Also while at the Dr., I asked for my weight to be written down. She did and gave it to me folded in half. I went out to my car, called my mom and told her about the loss. I then drove down to our Bounty Market as it was my friend's birthday. Before getting out of the car, I lifted the top piece of the folded paper to reveal my weight. I broke inside...

I went over and sat down. Another friend who was there and myself started talking about weight and muscle and the gym since we go to the same one. She explained the way muscle is with fat and I wish I could remember it all, but I just can't. I asked if she would explain it to me again. I left a little while later and when I got home, Terry was online and I just lost it. I couldn't stop crying. I felt like a failure and that no one should be inspired by someone who weighs that much. I never wanted to eat again. The face of failure was staring me down. 

That night, I went to bed a failure. I didn't write a blog; I couldn't. I wasn't sure sleep would find me, but it did and for the most part, I slept like a log. I woke up to sweet messages from Terry. I had a hard time staying awake because it just felt like depression had found it's way back to my shoulders. Comfortable in bed is where I wanted to stay. At around 9:00, I made the decision to get up and go eat breakfast. I did and then my dad got home a little after 10:00. I went and got my gym clothes on and walked out the door. 

Upon arriving at the gym, I took my last puff and headed for the door. I was expecting to see my trainer, but he wasn't there. I scanned my key and headed upstairs. This last week, I've talked to a couple women just very briefly and when I walked into the treadmill room, they were each on one. I was asked how I was doing and if I was getting used to working out. I told her I was, that it was my 5th day in a row! I got on my treadmill, put my earphones on and started walking. Incline at 2.5, my speed at 2.3. My head said just do one lap. I paid attention to the TV while I walked and did some thinking and before I knew it, one lap was done. I moved it up to 2.5. I continued on. I did my two laps and headed downstairs. I beat that negative thought! 

I got on the first machine and pushed out the reps. But the last few...I was feeling it. The first three machines I use are only 12 reps and with today, it felt like so much more. So when I had to do the 21 reps, I had to push hard. I refused to quit. I did the leg extensions before the bicep bar because I forgot. But it was nice because it gave my arms a break to be able to do the bar. The leg press I went back to 175. That was tough for me, but not unbearable. After I finished the machines, I sat on the steps of the staircase that would lead me back up to do more cardio. I took a couple minutes and then made my way up. I got on the bike and my head said just do one mile. I came to the finish on the first lap and kept going another mile. I beat that negative thought. I walked back downstairs and told the one working today to have a nice day as I walked out of the gym. The whole time I felt like the world was on my shoulders, making my workout that much harder. I looked up and saw that the Chamber of Commerce was still open. I have two wonderful friends who work there and I needed support. 

I walked in and one friend was busy with some customers so I went to my next friend and she hugged me. I sat down and I told her everything from the day before to right then. She held my hand and listened. I couldn't keep the tears inside. I cried and cried. I was so broken down. She then reminded me of the milestones I've reached. Walking into and staying in a gym is one, getting full body photos taken for my journey, asking for my weight because I haven't known it for YEARS...I then began saying my own of getting up to a great amount of weight on the machines at the gym in less than a week of being there, losing 22 pounds, losing 176 pounds off my knees. Together we removed the world from my shoulders. I walked out of the Chamber feeling SO much better. My support Team Jen friends are amazing. They were there when I needed them most and I can never thank them enough. 

I got home from the gym and made some lunch. While eating it, I talked with my sweetheart! I told him that yesterday at the gym, a muscle guy was doing the pec deck while I was doing the shoulder press. I had yet to do the pec deck because he was using it and coming back over and over. As I was resting between sets, I watched him for a few seconds in the mirror. He was doing like 130 lbs and he didn't have a "This is so easy" look on his face. He had the look of pain. When he was done, he stood up and walked away breathing hard. And it hit me as clear as day. He didn't start at 130 lbs. He had to build up to it. I don't know why he's lifting that much, if he's going for competition or what, but just the fact that he had to start somewhere. We ALL have to start somewhere. Some can't even leave their homes and yet they find a way. Today when I was leaving, I looked into the free weight room and there, in a wheelchair, was a lady using weights for her arms. It doesn't matter your age or your size your issue. If you have the desire, the fight, the want, the NEED to change your life, no one is stopping you, but yourself. While I was talking to my friend today, I told her, "I see this picture in my head and I'm standing on a road and all my friends who support me are close behind me and there isn't anything in front of me. The road block was myself. The news of my weight and the instant thought of failure. I may have broke, but I picked up the pieces and put them back together. I know many more of these will come and I will always do the same thing...I will always put the pieces back together, because I'm not just creating someone, I'm creating ME. And I will do it. 

              I guess even the motivator needs motivation at times.