I always joke and say that my lightest weight was when I was born. People laugh and I join in. But it's actually really true! As I've seen reading my school reports from grade school, I started gaining weight after first grade. Looking back, due to the sickness I had of losing my platelets in my blood, a steroid was given to me and I know they have a tendency to make you gain weight. And then other things happened to me that I won't disclose here and that caused more weight to be put on and that is where it took off...
I was never shunned, I was never put down, I was never made fun of. I was a very shy girl growing up and even today have a tendency to be, depending on the situation. I made friends easily, especially as I grew older, but in school, I had friends. I wasn't popular by ANY means, but popular girls were my friends. I was just never invited in because I didn't wear the right clothes, I wasn't pretty, and whatever else it was. Oh yeah, I didn't play sports and I wasn't smart. But I made a good friend...I guess. It didn't help that I had and still have a cute brother that was close to me in age. A few of my friends dated him and that was always...fun, let's say. Thankfully, time heals wounds and I hold nothing against anyone!
After graduation in 1994, I found a nice shell to move into and I closed myself off from the world. I never felt like I belonged in it and as much as I didn't want to be in the world, I felt like it didn't want me either. I soon found that I was searching for what I had yet to find...a life that wanted me. My twenties started the dating world for me...online dating so they could get to know me before they found out I was huge. I was falsely believing that if they could find out who I was on the inside, then the outside wouldn't matter so much. If I ever wanted to be right, this would be it. But sadly, I was wrong. My heart was broke a few times. That only caused my shell to grow since I too, was growing.
While living in Indiana (one of the heartbreaks), I started Weight Watchers. I learned a few things that I still use today. I lost around 70 pounds while on the program. Then life crashed and it came back plus some. The shell was still growing with me. A few more heartbreaks and I was done. I decided that I would never be loved because I could never be skinny. That was what men wanted and I wasn't able to be who guys wanted. Along with a past that decided to superglue it's self to me, that helped the self-hate and self-doubt to be drilled a little bit further into my heart and mind.
Even though I always lived in a shell, I loved being around people. I believe I was being who I was meant to be. I loved and still love making people laugh, making them feel important, telling them they're worth it. Whenever I go to a store to shop, I always make sure the cashier smiles or laughs before I leave their line. Not for gratification for me, but so they could smile. No one knows how their day is going, or if they're going through a bad issue at home or even work. So being able to make them smile, that could be a stress reliever and you won't be told Thank You and that's okay. I reached my goal and that makes ME happy.
Making goals for myself that are much bigger than making a stranger smile, has always been a huge issue for me. I got so used to failing in life that I had the attitude of "why try?" So, as you might guess, my shell grew even bigger.
Fast forward a few years to now and something happened that changed the course of failure, to a course of winning!
No comments:
Post a Comment