To Save a Life

The title for this one comes from a favorite movie of mine. I thought it would be fitting for this post. 

Monday started my new routine at the gym. Needless to say, my butt got kicked. I started with cardio on the treadmill. My trainer told me to bump it up to 3.3. Um...that's...wow. I did it and I could only do one lap before my leg started to throb. I went downstairs and started doing my five normal arm machines. I bumped the weight up on the Lat pull to 75 lbs. The pec deck I now do 40 lbs. Military press (shoulder press) is still 30 lbs. Tricep pull still 45 lbs. Bicep bar still 25 lbs. With that, we added back extensions to strengthen my lower back at 110 lbs, alternating bicep curls with free weights, I believe I did 40 lbs total. Dumbell press I think was 40 lbs total. The butterfly...that one I SUCK at. My right shoulder can't seem to work as well as the left. I did 20 lbs total on that and then I used a bar that weighs 15 lbs to do skullcrushers and I'm happy to report I didn't crush my skull! ha ha ha. After all of that, we went upstairs and I did a machine called Helix. If you don't know what it is, YouTube Helix Machine. That was very new to me so I wasn't on it very long. While I was doing that, my trainer went to set up to spin bikes in the big room. I got on that and he got on the other that was facing me and we started peddling. Then we had to go as fast as we could for 30 seconds. After that, I couldn't breathe; an asthma attack took over. My trainer talked me through it and encouraged me to do the right thing with how to breathe. We kept going after that and then we were done. We rode for about 10 minutes. I got off and worked on getting a full breathe. I was a walking dead person! My face was so red and my heart wanted to beat out of my chest. It was a good burn, scary, but good. I came home and took three Ibprophen. 

Tuesday morning came early as it was my first day at the Jungle Gym. I got there around 8:30 and it was a full four and a half hour shift. But it was fun! After I was done there, I headed over to the gym. I went up to the cardio room after changing into my work-out clothes and started on the treadmill. I put it up to 3.0 for speed and that seemed to be plenty because soon after I started, my leg began to cramp. That just discouraged me even more than I already was. I pushed out the 2nd lap and then got myself downstairs to sit and massage the heck out of my leg. The bruise from doing it before is still there, but I can't care when my leg is so cramped up. I was told to start on the leg routine I normally do so I did. I wasn't into working out today as I have been and that really bothered me. I didn't say anything about it because tears were right on the brim. I think my leg extensions are ready to go up in weight. I'm at 40 lbs and have been since I started there a week and a half ago. I'm trying to move everything up. The ones I make look so easy, even though they burn, I need to burn more. After that, I went to the leg press. I was pissed off at my lack of motivation so I decided to up the lbs on that. I've been at 175 for a week so I put on two 45s and two 25s. Total of that was 205 lbs. I was happy with that. The standing leg curl, I'm still at 40 lbs. I'm not sure I'm ready to up that one. After that I went upstairs and did the Helix again...a bit longer than before. I went into the big room to catch my breath after I was done and then I did a few Roman squats. After that I got on the spin bike. I'm not sure how long I rode...not long. I did two sets of 15 seconds going as fast as I could. 

I have this fear, I feel it when I'm on the spin bike or on the Helix, that I'm going to go so fast that I can't catch my breath when I'm done. That just freaks me out. I left the gym disappointed in myself and very low motivation. So after I got home, I came to my computer to let my trainer know what was going on. The dam broke and I just cried and cried.  He gave me words of encouragement, as did my wonderful boyfriend Terry. They both gave me the same advice. So that's a plus! 

After talking to Terry and my trainer and a couple friends, my mind set began to change. I started thinking about this getting healthy. I can't tell you the amount of times my mind has told me to just give up, the road is too hard, you can't do it. I will never forget what my Pastor's wife said one Sunday when I lived in Indiana..."Never say you can't. You CAN, you just need some help!" And I'm finding that very true in the gym. Something else I thought about was, I started this journey on my own. No doctor told me to lose weight. I made the choice. I asked Terry early on if he would support me and not put me down if I failed once or twice. I asked. I made that choice. I decided it was time. Being dedicated to go to the pool every single day and work as hard as I chose to, that's not something I ever thought I'd do. Losing 15 pounds in the month of July simply by changing the way I eat and working out everyday....I did it!!!!!!! I chose to save a life...my life. I lost my vision of who I want to be today. I lost the drive to get there. 

I looked in the mirror today at the gym and I didn't see the Jen of today, I saw the Jen from before July. It broke me. It broke my spirit. My mind set changed after realizing the fears and why I lost my motivation. I have a battle to win and I'm not going to lose. There may be days I want to give up, where I hurt so badly I don't want to get out of bed (actually that won't happen because it's not suppose to), where going to the gym just isn't possible because I just don't want to go. It's then that I walk into my bathroom and look at my mirror and see this....

That's all it takes. That right there is what gets my butt in gear and out the door headed down to the gym to get healthy. Terry often reminds me, I didn't get this way overnight and it won't come off overnight. As much as I hate that, it's so very true. And even if being proud of yourself is wrong, then I'm wrong because I am DAMN proud of the steps I've taken and the steps I have yet to make. I will win this war, I will be healthy and fit and I will know I'm worth it. 

Not all my posts will be giggles. I, like you, struggle. It's together we can get out of the pit with the muscles we have created, and move forward, only looking back to see how far we've come. I'm motivated, I'm hungry to be healthy, happy and fit. 

Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to read my blog. It means the world to me and I hope in some small way, it can help you get the motivation you need. It truly helps me stay motivated knowing that you're getting motivated as well! 

Remember, you're not just saving a life....you're saving YOUR life!