Because I have never been at a healthy weight, I have nothing to look back on to say, "I used to be this size, I can work toward that." Instead I get the, "Hmmm I don't know what I'm going to look like." Sometimes it's hard to have goals when you're missing that part of the puzzle. Well, today I was talking with a friend and she told me that a sculptor was once asked, "How did you know to carve David like that?"
His simple reply was, "I carved away everything that wasn't David."
Ever since starting on this new journey of getting healthy, I have wondered, who I am going to be when I've reached my goal. I have a number in mind, thinking and hoping I can reach it. Today while at the gym, I did a lot of thinking between sets. Around me were fit people, not overweight as myself, and I sat there thinking, "Will I ever look like that? Am I working hard enough? Am I here enough?" And as quickly as the thought came, it was replaced with, "I'm doing the best I can. I'm here an hour and a half to two hours a day." I refuse to kill myself in the gym, to work so hard I can't breathe or injure myself and be unable to work out for who knows how long." I love going to the gym. I was told today I'm the captain of my own ship. I can add in any machines I want into my workout. It's not that I've had a huge desire to do one more than the other, I was just wondering when I'd be able to add in more. Knowing I'm the Skipper of my ship, that's helpful.
Last week when I was going through a rough time, the picture I had in my head consisted of a road, me standing in the middle of it and all of you, Team Jen, standing close behind. You weren't cheering me on, you weren't encouraging me, and that's okay. It was a crucial time...it was now or never. Ahead of me in the picture stood nothing but myself and time. There was no mountain I had to climb, no shaky bridge I had to cross, it was just myself, standing there, keeping me from moving forward. I broke through that with the help from a couple of very helpful friends. And now, the picture I see in my head is of this same road, me standing there, Team Jen close behind, and a large stone in front of me. It's not one that I have to find a way around or over, it's one that I will create who I am going to be while chiseling away the old me. Every day I work out at the gym, every smart move I make with eating; that is what creates the new and chisels away the old. This journey is long, emotional, encouraging, disappointing...but also it's fun. I'm doing something good for ME for once. Learning you're worth getting healthy and being happy...it's a humbling experience.
While going through quotes tonight, I found this one and it couldn't come at a better time. Before I post it, I want to say, from the bottom of my heart, Thank You, to each one who reads my blogs, who encourages me, who support me, who love me, who care about me, who wants the best for me...you all mean the world to me and I am forever grateful to have you in my heart and life. Thank you for being you!
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