Expectation and Questions

The following has been on my mind since starting my new program a week ago. 
Prior to starting my new routine, I felt great about my workout. I knew what to do once I walked through the door. I felt many changes take place that week and in the end, I lost six pounds. This last Monday, I started the new routine and it's a lot more intense. That's not a bad thing. It's just made me question myself a bit more and that's not always a good thing. That's when my mind tries to talk myself out of doing what is good for me. So maybe you can help me out too. :) 

I mentioned earlier, in a past blog, that gyms were NEVER my thing. And now that I'm a member of one, I can't imagine it NOT being my thing. I be sure and take Sundays off and even then I'm not liking it, but I know I need a day off. 
Ever since Monday, when I had the asthma attack, it put a pretty big fear inside of me. I find that I'm not doing everything I've been suggested to do...the Helix machine, the spin bike...because after I do my cardio to start with and the liquid awesome has begun, I'm ready to go work on the machines and free weights. I work up quite the sweat and by the time I have to walk back up three flights of stairs, I want to sit down at the top. I don't of course, I make it to the bike, but today was leg day, and by the time I got upstairs after the workout, I sat down on another flight of stairs that are up there to get my breathing under control. I got up and went in to do the Helix machine. I'm not too proud to say I SUCK at that. I know I need to do more, but I'm able to do about 15 and my heart is racing. My legs want to collapse under me. I walk on the treadmill. I upped the incline today from 2.5 to 3.0 and I walked between 2.8 and 3.0. And then my stupid leg started to hurt. I went and rode a mile on the bike and called it a day. I rode two miles to start my warm up in 7:35 seconds!!!!!!!!! I beat my old time!!! That always makes me happy. Even if it's not a HUGE difference. Then I went downstairs and did my four machines. I upped the leg extension to 50 lbs and the standing curls to 50 lbs. The back extensions, I guess they are called, I upped it to 120 lbs. I can tell a difference in my back a lot since adding that one in and I do that each day I'm there. 

Just to let you know too, I don't put all the weight and stuff in this to toot my own horn. I do it as remembrance for me so I can see how I go up with what I'm doing. 

Today ends my second complete week at the gym. I always question myself about this.....am I doing too much weight? Am I right on with the weight? Am I failing myself because I'm freaked about having my heart explode? Am I expecting too much from myself from just being there TWO WEEKS...for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE? I know I'm not in shape, but I also know I'm getting there. Slowly. I feel a lot more than I see happening to my body. I was told today it was noticeable. I've been told it's really noticeable in my face. Which is awesome and it makes me so happy! Go back a few years and that would have FREAKED me out and I would have stopped and gained it all back. But now it makes me happy to see that I'm doing the right thing. 

I have nothing to compare with what I'm doing. Karen asked me if I've ever been at the weight I was suppose to be. Nope. I've always been overweight that I can remember and I know why. It's getting worked on as well. So I have no idea what someone who has never stepped foot in a gym is suppose to do. I threw myself in with the help of my trainer and here I am. I guess I'm just scared that with what I'm not doing enough of, will get me in the end. Yes, I want my endurance up, I want to last longer on Cardio machines. I know it's gotten better in my everyday life. My mom and I went to Costco a few days ago and she commented on how much faster I walk now. And guess what? My leg didn't cramp. AND I WAS IN FLIP FLOPS!!!!!! Explain THAT one!! 

I'm sorry if this post is all over the place. I guess my head is too on this subject. I guess I just don't want to fail and I feel I am with having this HUGE fear over my head and being too afraid to get my heart rate up to high speed chase numbers. I'm not sure how accurate the heart rate thing is when I ride the bike, but today it showed my heart rate at 147. I didn't feel faint or sick to myself. I was just working hard. 
This is what my trainer told me when I was a bit worried about starting my new program this last Monday..."How much have you lost so far? Rhetorical question, 22 freaking pounds. That's a lot and you're only going to keep losing if you keep going. You're in it for good Jen, keep kicking butt!"
I know he's right. I just have a HUGE tendency to doubt myself and my abilities. I don't want to go anywhere but up with working out and losing weight and inches. I told my Dr. on Friday that I do not want ANYTHING to stop me from getting healthy. She agreed and told me not to get discouraged and to keep going, I'm doing great. I have ZERO desire to quit. I WILL NOT QUIT!!! There are waaaaaaaay too many awesome changes to turn back! 

I guess I just need to believe in myself the way you believe in me. I'll get there! Don't give up hope! I hope you were able to get through this w/o wanting to pull your hair out! Thank you for your patience! 

I will, however, end on a great note! I had my first protein shake after working out today! I had a banana in it with water, ice and the protein powder! It's good, just something to get used to! If you're my friend on Facebook, you'll see the photo! :) Tonight, while taking a shower, I was noticing my lats and how they're feeling stronger! Everything is getting a bit easier to do! I'm excited about that!!! :) 

Have a great week!