On June 6th, I was introduced on Facebook to a friend of a friend. His name, Terry. That evening, I signed onto Facebook and I had a friend request from him. I accepted right away and headed over to his page to say Hi! He wrote back and said Hi! We started private messaging on FB and as each day passed, our feelings grew. Our form of communication grew as well. We have yet to actually touch, but we have met "face to face" via videos sent back and forth. Prior to that, we talked back and forth on the FB chat on our phones. A wonderful friendship was being formed!
Prior to meeting Terry, I was a step away from giving up on the dream of ever finding the man who was made just for me. I'd gone through a few and I just figured I was destined to be alone. Even though my Bible has told me differently for as long as I can remember. I had also given up on being a mommy. That was a dream from the early age of eight. I gave myself to 35. I know the risks for problems are much higher in the later thirties and I refused to put an innocent life through that. That dream is truly laid to rest. But the dream to be married and happy was fading. Terry, I learned, was at the same spot in his life. I guess you could say we saved each other, but he truly is the best man who has ever loved me.
A few weeks into our relationship, I asked him, "If I wanted to lose weight, would you support me?" He was more than happy to do it. I told him I didn't want judgement, I didn't want being put down or be made to feel like I failed majorly if I didn't work out one day or ate something I shouldn't. He was more than anything I ever dreamed possible. He has NEVER put me down, he has ALWAYS built me up. Nine times out of ten, I'm the one putting myself down and he's the one helping me see that I didn't fail. When I question if he'll love me if I end up not reaching my goal and he says no matter what he'll love me, that amazes me. He's seen me, he knows my size. Soon he will know my weight. But nothing has made him run, nothing has made him lost interest. I haven't found Mr. Right, I found my soul mate. Never has this been a "me" thing. When I ask him questions or I start to doubt my abilities, he never says you'll get through this...he says WE'LL get through it. He's my team mate, my side arm. He's my supporter. He encourages me, never discourages me. He's always there to share in my excitement of what I did at the pool, or at the gym. He tells me he's proud of me.
Am I doing this for him? Am I changing my life just for him?
NO!
I'm doing this for ME because it's MY body and I have to LIVE in MY body for the REST of my LIFE. Does it help that I have such a HUGE support system in him, yes. Of course. But he isn't the one that puts the food in my mouth, he isn't the one that walks me into the gym. I am the one who refuses to eat a dessert that I know is full of calories that I just worked off. I'm the one who decides to walk into the gym and start changing my life. Do I look forward to the day he can walk in with me and join me? You bet your booty I do!!! Not only do I get to enjoy the benefits of my journey, he does as well! And I love that! But it's me...I'm doing this for me.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Where it all began...
I always joke and say that my lightest weight was when I was born. People laugh and I join in. But it's actually really true! As I've seen reading my school reports from grade school, I started gaining weight after first grade. Looking back, due to the sickness I had of losing my platelets in my blood, a steroid was given to me and I know they have a tendency to make you gain weight. And then other things happened to me that I won't disclose here and that caused more weight to be put on and that is where it took off...
I was never shunned, I was never put down, I was never made fun of. I was a very shy girl growing up and even today have a tendency to be, depending on the situation. I made friends easily, especially as I grew older, but in school, I had friends. I wasn't popular by ANY means, but popular girls were my friends. I was just never invited in because I didn't wear the right clothes, I wasn't pretty, and whatever else it was. Oh yeah, I didn't play sports and I wasn't smart. But I made a good friend...I guess. It didn't help that I had and still have a cute brother that was close to me in age. A few of my friends dated him and that was always...fun, let's say. Thankfully, time heals wounds and I hold nothing against anyone!
After graduation in 1994, I found a nice shell to move into and I closed myself off from the world. I never felt like I belonged in it and as much as I didn't want to be in the world, I felt like it didn't want me either. I soon found that I was searching for what I had yet to find...a life that wanted me. My twenties started the dating world for me...online dating so they could get to know me before they found out I was huge. I was falsely believing that if they could find out who I was on the inside, then the outside wouldn't matter so much. If I ever wanted to be right, this would be it. But sadly, I was wrong. My heart was broke a few times. That only caused my shell to grow since I too, was growing.
While living in Indiana (one of the heartbreaks), I started Weight Watchers. I learned a few things that I still use today. I lost around 70 pounds while on the program. Then life crashed and it came back plus some. The shell was still growing with me. A few more heartbreaks and I was done. I decided that I would never be loved because I could never be skinny. That was what men wanted and I wasn't able to be who guys wanted. Along with a past that decided to superglue it's self to me, that helped the self-hate and self-doubt to be drilled a little bit further into my heart and mind.
Even though I always lived in a shell, I loved being around people. I believe I was being who I was meant to be. I loved and still love making people laugh, making them feel important, telling them they're worth it. Whenever I go to a store to shop, I always make sure the cashier smiles or laughs before I leave their line. Not for gratification for me, but so they could smile. No one knows how their day is going, or if they're going through a bad issue at home or even work. So being able to make them smile, that could be a stress reliever and you won't be told Thank You and that's okay. I reached my goal and that makes ME happy.
Making goals for myself that are much bigger than making a stranger smile, has always been a huge issue for me. I got so used to failing in life that I had the attitude of "why try?" So, as you might guess, my shell grew even bigger.
Fast forward a few years to now and something happened that changed the course of failure, to a course of winning!
I was never shunned, I was never put down, I was never made fun of. I was a very shy girl growing up and even today have a tendency to be, depending on the situation. I made friends easily, especially as I grew older, but in school, I had friends. I wasn't popular by ANY means, but popular girls were my friends. I was just never invited in because I didn't wear the right clothes, I wasn't pretty, and whatever else it was. Oh yeah, I didn't play sports and I wasn't smart. But I made a good friend...I guess. It didn't help that I had and still have a cute brother that was close to me in age. A few of my friends dated him and that was always...fun, let's say. Thankfully, time heals wounds and I hold nothing against anyone!
After graduation in 1994, I found a nice shell to move into and I closed myself off from the world. I never felt like I belonged in it and as much as I didn't want to be in the world, I felt like it didn't want me either. I soon found that I was searching for what I had yet to find...a life that wanted me. My twenties started the dating world for me...online dating so they could get to know me before they found out I was huge. I was falsely believing that if they could find out who I was on the inside, then the outside wouldn't matter so much. If I ever wanted to be right, this would be it. But sadly, I was wrong. My heart was broke a few times. That only caused my shell to grow since I too, was growing.
While living in Indiana (one of the heartbreaks), I started Weight Watchers. I learned a few things that I still use today. I lost around 70 pounds while on the program. Then life crashed and it came back plus some. The shell was still growing with me. A few more heartbreaks and I was done. I decided that I would never be loved because I could never be skinny. That was what men wanted and I wasn't able to be who guys wanted. Along with a past that decided to superglue it's self to me, that helped the self-hate and self-doubt to be drilled a little bit further into my heart and mind.
Even though I always lived in a shell, I loved being around people. I believe I was being who I was meant to be. I loved and still love making people laugh, making them feel important, telling them they're worth it. Whenever I go to a store to shop, I always make sure the cashier smiles or laughs before I leave their line. Not for gratification for me, but so they could smile. No one knows how their day is going, or if they're going through a bad issue at home or even work. So being able to make them smile, that could be a stress reliever and you won't be told Thank You and that's okay. I reached my goal and that makes ME happy.
Making goals for myself that are much bigger than making a stranger smile, has always been a huge issue for me. I got so used to failing in life that I had the attitude of "why try?" So, as you might guess, my shell grew even bigger.
Fast forward a few years to now and something happened that changed the course of failure, to a course of winning!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)