It's the little things

My journey to find Jen is moving right along! The past couple of days have been hard on the self-control. Someone brought chocolates to my mom's work, where I am everyday. My goal is to eat zero tomorrow. I stay in my calorie count, but I don't want to use my calories on crap. Just like I don't want to drink my calories. In the mornings, my dry mouth is so horrible, I drink 6oz of Pepsi and that cuts it. I drink water just about all day, except for my Diet Dr. Pepper at lunch and even then I don't usually drink it all. 

So the last week or so I've been noticing little changes that I can do, but couldn't a few weeks ago! One way is when I'm drying off from a shower, I can reach farther and it's so much easier to dry off. I noticed that I can get up from chairs easier. On Sunday, I was at the nursing home we have a church service at and I sat down in the chair. I sat down, fully, in the chair. I haven't been able to put my whole body in the chair. I sat there in complete awe...I looked at my mom and said, "Mom!! Look! I'm sitting ALL THE WAY in the chair." My back was against the back of the chair...I was SO happy!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

This morning when I got dressed, before I started this weight loss, I would have to sit down to put my left leg in the pants. Today I put the right leg in and the left leg in...while standing. I WAS STANDING AND PUT MY PANTS ON LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To say I was excited is an understatement! 

I don't know if you've ever experienced anything that I'm writing about, and that's okay, but when I'm lying in bed, I FEEL smaller. I don't know how the weight is doing as I'm only weighed when I see my doctor once a month, but I know I KNOW I'm losing inches like mad! The pants I wore today, I've been wearing for a while. But they're getting more loose in the legs and tummy area. 

In a couple weeks, I'm hoping we are moving to our new home! It's only an apartment, but to me, it's our home! I'm very excited to have our own place and our life together. I know Terry is more than ready! 

So yeah, the little things in this journey are so exciting!! When someone hugs me, they can feel a difference and that makes me happy too! 

My battery is getting low so I better post this and share it with you guys! Have a great rest of your week! 

Until next time...

Jen :) 

God is GOOD!!

Today it's a cloudy Monday morning on President's Day. I'm sitting on the couch watching Walker Texas Ranger. As I sit here, I'm wearing my yoga pants (LOVE THEM), a t-shirt and a black sweatshirt. No big deal right? The sweatshirt I'm wearing, could not be worn a year ago.

January 10, 2016, I started the eating plan on my Fitbit. I simply count my calories and with doing that, a lot changed in my life. Some of you won't understand this, and that's okay, but through my Pastor, God told me the weight would start falling off me. I received that RIGHT AWAY and so far, I've lost 4 lbs and a LOT of inches!

Last night I was writing in my journal and the subject of jeans came up. I don't have many. And I remembered Terry had gotten me a black pair. I started looking through stuff and found a couple sweatshirts, shirts and my tank tops!! So this morning, when I woke up, I saw the sweatshirt. I thought, "Oh for giggles let's see how it fits." PRIOR to this, when I first got it, I put my arms in it and I knew then, there was no way it was going to fit. So this morning, I put my arms in it and I was shocked. I put it on and THERE WAS ROOM IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I went into my mom's room and I said, "Mom! Remember this sweatshirt??? It didn't fit when we got it." I pulled the sides out and said, "LOOK!!!!" I was and still am in shock! I'm wearing it and it feels SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good!! I'm not one to wear tight clothing. I'll buy a size up so I'm comfortable. But to know this fits and I can wear it with NO problem....I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The smile has yet to leave my face! :) :) :) :)

I can do things I haven't been able to do in a long time!!!! And it feels SOOOOO good!!!!! I tell ya, I saw some cute clothes last night in Fred Meyer in Tillamook and instead of getting depressed about not being able to wear them, I just said, "I'll be wearing that in no time!" My outlook on life is way better than it EVER has been!!Now I just need to find my black jeans!! 

The other awesome thing I'm going to write about is the miracle of Terry and I getting our apartment! God has given us His favor and proved His love to both of us as this all came to life! In a couple weeks, Terry and I will make our new apartment home! I am so excited to move out and get on our own! It's past time, BUT, it's all in God's timing! 

My mom is doing awesome with her arm now. And she doesn't need me like she did when she first broke it. I'll still take her to her last couple of PT appointments. We're moving to Monmouth! There are many things I'm excited about with living there! The only hard part will be everything we do is in Dallas! But we're away enough to breathe and be on our own! I told my mom she can come visit anytime. So can dad. But we may need to get some furniture first. We lack in that. Although we may have a couch. My mom and Aunt Dode is so excited to come help me unpack and decorate! 

So in the end, God has met our needs and I've learned to wait on Him. Because when I do, He blesses me beyond belief! As many times as I've turned my back to hurt who I am, He has always been there when I turned around and needed to be held. He's so patient with me and I am beyond thankful for that! 

I hope this blog put a smile on your face at some point! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coloring?

I have been coloring for a major part of my life. It has always brought my anxiety down and made the depression a little bit lighter. But I've noticed that I color when I'm in some kind of emotional distress. I don't do it to avoid what I'm feeling, but making each stroke on the paper, in a bright color or a deep blue, helps calm me. But other times, I simply do it because it's something I really enjoy doing. Being a perfectionist, if I go out of the line, then I have a bit of a panic. It passes when I'm able to fix it. 

In 1994, I colored A LOT! That year was by far the worst one of my life.

I save all my coloring books and I'm kind of odd when it comes to my crayons. I like them new! I never use the sharpener on the back of the box. I usually get the 96 count of Crayola crayons! That's another thing, I ONLY use Crayola art supplies, except of course, Sharpies! I got a big box of them for Christmas!  But when my main colors of crayons are in need of sharpening, I buy the 24 count box and replace them. The coloring pencils I have are in a box like crayons. I like those as well. I use them a lot with my card making and coloring. 

When I was a Pre-K teacher, I would have a time for art and I'd always color. Well, the kids always loved to color with me and wanted to color just like me! I had a lot of pictures on my wall that they gave me! Oh how I miss that! 

I have a friend, Crystal, who colors beautifully. I wish I could color like her. I guess I'm just not very good at being artistic with coloring. My niece, Logan, likes to trace in markers and color in with crayons. She does a great job! 

As you know, they now have books out for Adult coloring. I find it odd that all the sudden it's cool to color as an adult, but perhaps frowned upon in the teen years. In all the years I've lived in depression, coloring has always been my way to express my feelings. I, in no way, can draw. I doodle, but very plain at that. My parents got me a very nice Butterfly coloring book for Christmas as well as the Sharpies. I LOVE quotes, so I did a Google search for adult quote coloring pages and I printed quite a few. I've done three today so far. I think I'm done for the day...keyword think. 

So how about you? Do you color? Did you grow up loving it? How do you feel about it coming back for adults? At my mom's work, they're having an Adult Coloring day. I hope a lot show up! 

I guess this was a boring entry! I've been thinking about it all day, so now it's out there and ready for you to read! :) 

Have a great first week of February! 

Jen

A much needed time with friends!

Tomorrow morning, Saturday, I'm going to spend 5ish hours with a few friends! I kinda have my own line of greeting cards. But tomorrow, my cards will be a bit more simple, but hopefully received with a smile. I'm making cards to send to the troops. This is my input to the box that will be sent to them.

I decided to write a few things to put on cards that I have embossing folders for...a key and a clock. I had to step into the mind of a solider, thinking what they'd say to their spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, daughter, son, parents...

I'm surrounded by the military from just one man...my dad. When he came home from Vietnam, he, along with all the other guys, got spit on and booed. Such a disgrace to the heroes who fought for those peoples freedom. I can imagine where the bitterness and anger comes from. And why they suffer with PTSD. I've heard that roughly 22 veterans kill themselves a day; one every 65 seconds. It's so sad to me that what those men fought for, went unnoticed for years by those who chose to hate instead of love.

My dad suffers with PTSD. So do I. Not on the same level, but I suffer with it on a daily basis. There are days I want to be alone. There are days I want to be held and other days I don't want to be held or touched. I have a lot of triggers about my past. People say we shouldn't live in the past. I agree. But what about when we do? The triggers the military live with and the triggers I live with, aren't about present time; it's from the past. My dad can't watch fireworks anymore. I've seen him grow worse in this PTSD because when he was on the fire department, he worked with the guys who set them off at the fairgrounds. The slightest thing can trigger you it's like you're thrown backwards. Blackberries for me...a trigger. Whispering in my ear, a HUGE trigger. Rubbing my back...a HUGE trigger. Sometimes I'm okay with it, but when I'm not, my skin crawls and my stress level goes through the roof. I can understand the PTSD the military deals with every day.

This blog kinda went a different way than I thought it would. It was going to be a short one as well, but I guess I'm doing more thinking than not. On the way home from "work" this afternoon, I had my first thought in about three months about the book I'm writing. A scene for it came to mind and that made me happy. We'll see how it goes!

Well, it's 11:07 PM. I took my meds at 9ish and they're kicking in! I'm all packed for tomorrow! Now to sleep until my alarm goes off!

Have a great weekend! If you see a veteran, thank them for your freedom!

Jen

That word NO!

This morning started out with me being tired as I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. Took my meds a bit late and didn't get much more than 6 hours of sleep. Driving to Monmouth did me in. I had to close my eyes once we got to my mom's work. It's now 10:19 PM and I haven't taken them yet. I guess I should do that....be right back...okay, I'm back. 

So, after I woke up, I headed into the building. Today they had coffee & conversation and they always have donuts. Guess who loves those? Yep...me. I looked up the calorie count for a donut and it wasn't bad. So I had one. It was so good. Around 10:30, the lady I help with her speech came in and in the middle of us working together, I couldn't stop myself from getting another one. Guess who felt awful and good at the same time. Yep...me. But I knew I was sitting okay with calories. But still...really Jen? Really? 

I was done working with my friend at noon and my parents and I went and got a soda. I took my lunch today. I had a yummy chef salad, a sugar free jello, and carrots. For a snack I had a serving size of peanuts (3 Tbsp) and an apple. I was proud of myself for that lunch! I had a meeting at 1:00 and that was very productive. After that was over, I went and sat at the desk and answered the phone when it rang. For Christmas, I got a coloring book and a big container of Sharpies!! YAY!!! So I brought those to work with me and I sat there and colored; very therapeutic. 

So by this time, the donuts were cut in half and thankfully, all but one half was left. Guess who had that last half? Yep...me. The word NO wasn't in my vocab. So I wasted calories today. 

Card class was at 4:30 and mom and I headed home at 5:30. It had started raining and hard. Mom drove home and I think I should have. She agreed. But we made it and dinner was made shortly there after. Pancakes. I had three, with very light butter and strawberry jam. Later in the evening, I went back to coloring and finishing my coloring page. I've been having popcorn every night and tonight was no difference. I had some and then I called it quits. I did get my water in today...64oz! :) 

I'm only a week into this change of eating thing. I don't expect to get it right every single day. And I can tell you, I never went over my calorie budget. So even though I messed up and caved for the donuts, I did okay. I'm not beating myself up over it and I'm admitting to you my faults. So please, don't beat yourself up if you mess up. Tomorrow is always a new day to make better choices. Thank GOODNESS they only have coffee & conversation once a month! HA! 

Maybe by next month I'll have learned that word NO! 

Until next time...
Jen

Military Kids

I wrote this as a possible letter to the editor...please let me know what you think.

 I was recently at a potluck that had guest speakers. One of them asked for anyone who was in or is still in the military, and their wives or husbands, to raise their hands. I sat there and looked around. There were a few. But as I sat there, I thought about something. What about the kids who have suffered by having a military parent? The wives and husbands are thanked. For what? Dealing with the crap they come home with from war? Last I checked, kids have feelings too and they have to deal with the same thing. Often times, the kids are forgotten and life goes on without them being included. I grew up feeling this way on many levels. My dad worked hard to provide for his family; I don’t take that away from him. My dad was in the Marines for a total of six years, but he brought it home and lived it for many years and still does.

My reason for writing this letter is to hopefully open the eyes of those who need to realize their kids are suffering right along with them. Talk with your kids. If you were raised to not talk to your parent for whatever reason, throw that out the window. Kids are getting lost in the shuffle and in the end, you will lose them. And getting them back can be a very tough and long journey. Is it as important as your job? More so. I’m not saying you have to go to every single game or every single recital. I’m just urging you to talk with them, about anything.Spend time with them.Your kids should be a top priority to you. The choice is yours. But, it’s also your choice to throw your kids out of the way and live as if they don’t exist. 

Jennifer Gasper

Choices and Water

Every time your tummy grumbles, what do you think about? What you're hungry for? 

Now that I'm making better choices in food, my stomach thinks it's more hungry than it is. I know why it's talking to me and I continue to tell it it's going to live. Portion sizes have gone down as well as my choices in food. One thing I'm not doing, is stopping it from sweets. I can happily report that the want for them isn't there. 

Today was a very laid back day. A couple days ago I started getting a sore throat and a cough. I wasn't able to stay home and rest at all, so I decided today would work for it. We woke up early and then went back to sleep until 11:30. We got up and ate some brunch. Our neighbor came over and I ended up burning 3 DVDs of her pictures from her trip to Germany. After doing that, she stayed and we went through them while she told us what we were looking at. I was doing laundry at the time so while the DVDs burned, I would move the clothes around. I was just about falling asleep while our friend was telling us about Germany so after she left, I came into the living room and laid down. I covered up and snuggled in and in no time, I was out. 

I got up and did more laundry. I had three loads total. I had plans to do it throughout the week, but I was never able to get to it. It feels good to get it done, now I just have to fold it and put it all away! 

 I'm not one to push anything onto anyone and I stand by that. I simply live the life I need to and if someone wants to join me, by all means, go for it! A friend that works for my mom, started drinking more water. I told her I'd text her over the weekend to see how she's doing. I did that today and she said she wasn't doing very good. I told her what I do and I hope that'll help her! What do I do? Well, last week, I got a 32 oz diet Pepsi. I kept the cup and I use it for water. I know that two of them help me reach my goal of 64 oz a day. I noticed my dad is doing it as well. And ya know, it's okay if you don't reach it. One day you will, one day you won't. You cannot beat yourself up over it. Trust me, I've done that a lot and it doesn't help. I've learned it doesn't help because you'll have a tendency to think, "Well, I messed up on my water, I might as well mess up with my eating." No no no! Start slow. You got this! :) 

Today, my eating has been good. I'm still working on getting the protein. I need to get more of it. I was happy with my dinner. I had a bp&j sandwich. And guess what I learned? I measured out the jam, 1 Tbsp, the peanut butter (serving size is 2 Tbsp), I used ONE!!!! And it was PLENTY of both peanut butter AND jam!!! I was so happy! I had peanuts this morning and I used a measuring spoon and had the serving size. Let me tell ya, it wasn't a lot, but it was a good amount. I don't need to eat half a can. I also had some Simply White Cheddar Cheetos puffs. The serving size is 32. That is a lot of puffs! I was shocked! I also had a sugar free Jell-O cup as well as a no sugar added cup of peaches. It was a nice dinner! 

Even if you're not counting calories and still want to lose a pound or two or twenty or fifty, portion size. Instead of taking the bag of chips with you to the chair to watch TV, put some on a plate or in a bowl. I've heard it said that Diet soda is worse for you than the regular. Well guess what? There's no calories in Diet and there's NO SUGAR! I'm okay with that. But I've also decided to drink less soda. I had a diet Dr. Pepper with my dinner, but I've had  128 oz of water. So I kinda felt it was okay! I'm also ending the day with 930 calories left in my budget. I didn't do a lot of walking today, just busting my butt at laundry. But I'm okay with it because I needed the rest to feel better. 

So all in all, if you mess up one day, don't worry. Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to make better choices! I'm right there with you! We can do it! 

If you have some ideas to make things easier for me or anyone who may read this, please share! 

Have a wonderful Sunday! I'll write again soon! :)